Why I'm Done Blogging Here

This is going to be my last post on My Sacred Pathway. From now on, I will be on my new blog on Wordpress.

I made the decision to quit blogging here for a few reasons. A big one is practicality. These days my interests are running in a few different directions, and I wanted to be able to create tabs for different subjects to keep things more organized. I am not as “tech-savvy” as some people, and I'm having an easier time navigating Wordpress than blogger.

Another reason for the change is I have undergone a lot of changes, personally and spiritually since I started this blog. I got to a point where I felt fenced in, as if I wasn't free to write about anything other than Christian spirituality, hearing loss, social justice, and the other topics I've written about on a regular basis. My views on all those things have changed so much, even in just the past year, and I need the freedom to step back and evaluate exactly what has changed and what that means going forward.

Lastly, I feel like I have held myself up to a ridiculous standard of having it all together, as if any portion of my life can be held up as an example of what an “ideal human” should look like. That is not fair to myself or anyone who reads my stuff. It's not authentic.

I want to thank you all for reading this blog and commenting on the entries and on Facebook. Comments are going to be disable now that I am no longer moderating this blog. I hope you will join me over at Wordpress!

"Let it Go" Eating Disorder Parody

About four years ago, I finished outpatient treatment for my anorexia.  Miraculously, I made it through with all my teeth and a decent BMI.  When I started, there were some issues with my heart, to put it mildly, but now it's alive and ticking!

I love connecting with other people who have an ED, and one of my online friends told me that the song "Let It Go" is a great description of our struggle.  I'm in a good place for the most part, but I still get the odd rough patch.  Tonight I was really struggling with operation: insert food into face, and I pulled up a subtitled video of "Let it Go".  I let the lyrics sink in as I slowly munched on bread and Nutella.  I connected with it, but I had plenty of my own words to say, so I sat down and wrote this parody in one shot.  

I will make a video of it at some point once I decide whether I want to do it a cappella or if I want to go through the to-do of using someone's piano, since I don't currently have one.

Disclaimer/cover-my-butt:  I do not own the lyrics to "Let It Go", nor am I making any money with this parody.  The lyrics to "Let It Go" are owned by Disney.

“Let it Go” Eating Disorder Parody

Staring at the scale tonight

I don't want to be seen

A kingdom of starvation

And it looks like I'm the queen

The lies are raging, I'm destructing deep inside

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the skinny girl you have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

But someone must know

Let it go, let it go,

Can't fake it anymore

Let it go, let it go

I've been wounded to the core!

I don't care

What the devil may say

Let the lies rage on

The darkness never bothered me anyway

It's funny how the truth

makes the big things seem so small

and the lies that once controlled me

can't get to me at all

It's time to see what G-d can do

to smash my limits and break through

no black and white, no chains for me,

I'm free

Let it go, let it go

I am joined with G-d Most High

Let it go, let it go,

it's okay to cry

Here I stand

and here I'll stay

let the lies rage on

G-d's power flurries through the air into my heart

My lifeblood's stirring and I'm getting a fresh start

And one lie crystalizes like an icy blast

I'm never going back

the past is in the past

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

let it go, let it go

that skinny girl is gone!

Here I stand

in the light of day

let the lies rage on

the darkness never bothered me anyway!

Why I Left The Group “Christians for Biblical Equality”

I used to belong to a Facebook group called “Christians for Biblical Equality”, which is an extension of a larger organization with the same name. After several months of participating in discussions and reading the articles people posted, I made the decision to leave CBE.

If you didn't know me, you might assume I made that decision because I've become ultra-conservative and I don't believe women should ever have any leadership roles in the church. That couldn't be any further from the truth. I didn't leave the group because I don't believe in equality. I left the group because I believe in equality wholeheartedly, and I did not find true equality in CBE.

If you tell someone they have to dress immodestly and show their hair because “this isn't the 50's”, you are not promoting equality. Whether you realize it or not, you are promoting the lies of our male-dominated, hyper-sexualized society. If you tell a woman that they cannot stay home or make the decision to work part-time in the interest of balancing work and life, you are not promoting feminism or liberation. If anything, you are promoting the opposite. Forcing all women into the workplace is just as oppressive as forcing all of them to stay home.

Another reason I left the group was because a lot of people in the group had extremely anti-Semitic attitudes. I found this out when I mentioned that Jewish teachings on modesty and head covering carry more merit for me than Christian teachings.  I could not believe the ridiculous stereotypes that some Christians believe about Jews and Judaism. Without Judaism, there would be no Christianity, so my patience for anti-Semitism within the church/Christian subculture is nonexistent.

If you're reading this and you're a Christian who believes in equality, do yourself (and everyone else) a huge favor: Leave the CBE group if you're in it, and do some soul searching and some research and learn about true equality. It will change your life!

Three Little Words That Christians Can't Bring Themselves to Say

If there's one thing kids love to do, it's ask questions. Kids want to know how things work, and why they work the way they do. If I can answer questions honestly, I don't hesitate to do so. But sometimes kids ask more complicated questions, and the honest answer is “I don't know.”

Why are those three little words taboo amongst adults? Why do we insist on fabricating explanations for things when we haven't the faintest idea why people are injured or killed in car accidents, or why women miscarry, or why people get cancer when they have healthy lifestyles?

Recently I had a conversation with a twelve-year-old girl who wanted to know why people are always shooting each other and why isn't anyone doing anything to stop this? I sighed from the depths of my being, looked her in the eye, and said, “I don't know, kiddo. I don't have an answer that will satisfy either one of us.”

As someone who didn't grow up going to church, and as someone who is getting more and more disillusioned with westernized Christianity, I can tell you why more and more people are leaving churches. Church is no longer a safe place to ask honest questions or say “I don't know.”

Movies That Have Helped Me Heal

We love good movies because they are driven by good storytelling. We identify with them. We identify with the characters' humanity and dilemmas. I've compiled a list of movies and documentaries that have played an important role in recovery from my package of unfortunate life events.

I'm listing potential triggers in my synopses, but if you have PTSD I encourage you to check out the content advisory on IMDB before watching a movie. Those advisories tend to be pretty thorough. (For those of you who don't know much about PTSD, some people are triggered by certain scenes in books or movies, and the advanced warning beforehand can be very helpful.)

Movies:

1.) Hope Floats (1998) starring Sandra Bullock, Harry Connick Jr, and Gena Rowlands

Do yourself a favor and actually watch it before you write it off as an overrated chick flick! It happens to be amazing. Birdie (Bullock) goes through a journey of self-discovery after her husband has an affair and files for divorce.

2.) 28 Days (2000) starring Sandra Bullock, Dominic West, Ashley Johnson

Alcoholic Gwen (Bullock) is charged with a DWI and spends 28 days in court-ordered rehab. She meets a handfull of interesting characters and learns that she has the power to make positive decisions about her life. The scene where she is stuck wearing the “confront me if I don't ask for help” sign made me laugh hysterically because I know there are times when my loved ones wish they could make me wear a sign like that, haha!

Trigger warning: Heavy drinking in a few scenes, as well as a couple scenes in which characters are found dead after suicide and alcohol overdose.

3.) No Reservations (2007) starring Cathrine Zeta-Jones, Aaron Eckhart, Abigail Breslin

Kate (Zeta-Jones) uses her job as a gourmet chef to escape from her background of neglect and broken relationships. Her budding friendship with a new co-worker (Eckhart) and becoming the legal guardian of her niece (Breslin) force her to make peace with her past and herself.

Documentaries:

1.) Depression: Out of the Shadows (2008), produced by PBS

Depression is a very misunderstood condition. If you live with clinical depression or are close to someone who does, you need to see this one.

Trigger warning: The scenes in which people describe their experiences with severe depression might be a bit upsetting for those who have struggled with it or are currently struggling with it. The documentary also talks about ECT, better known as shock therapy.

2.) Forgiving Dr. Mengele (2006) starring Eva Mozes Kor

Eva Mozes Kor and her twin sister were survivors of Mengele's experiments during the Holocaust. On the outside, Kor got her life in order after she was liberated. She emigrated to Israel and then the US, got married, had kids, got a job, and lived a “normal” life. On the inside, unforgiveness turned her into a very sad, angry person. She didn't embrace the power of forgiveness until she was older, but when she did, it changed her life. Unlike many faith-based books on forgiveness, this documentary actually gives a straightforward definition of what forgiveness means.

Trigger warning: Contains footage of Auschwitz and Mengele's lab during the war. Eva has a flashback during an eye exam.

That's my list of movies that have helped me heal. I'm going to work on a list of books and hopefully post it sometime in the next week or so. If that doesn't end up happening, it's not that I don't like you all. I'm dealing with a lot of life events right now and I just need more hours in the day!

The Secret To A Healthy Marriage

I've been happily married for almost three years. I'm always getting asked how I do it, what my secret is.

Well, listen up, because I'm about to tell you THE SECRET of having a happy, healthy marriage! Here it is:

Stop worrying about divorce.

I mean it. Stop. Worrying. About. Divorce.

We've got this idea in the Christian subculture that we can prevent divorce by worrying, talking, and writing about it incessantly. We scare the daylights out of engaged and newlywed couples with our lectures about how they have to have a good marriage because “G-d hates divorce.”

Yes, G-d is not a fan of divorce. He's also not a fan of lunacy, and I'd say that using fear to try to control other people is definitely heading in that direction. Heart attacks can kill people, but we don't try to prevent them by worrying about them incessantly. We prevent them by keeping our bodies as healthy as possible.

It's not any different for marriage. You have a healthy marriage by doing the things that keep it healthy. Keep the lines of communication open. Work through and own your own crap. Laugh. Make mistakes. Give second chances. If you're spending all your time and energy investing in your marriage, you won't have extra energy or brain space for worrying about divorce.

(Note: When I say “G-d is not a fan of divorce”, I am referring to situations where one or both people just give up on the relationship. I am not talking about divorce in the case of domestic violence. If you are in an abusive situation, please get the help you need! I

Kombucha 101

I've jumped on the kombucha bandwagon, and I love it! Kombucha is fermented tea that is rich in probiotics and has numerous other health benefits. You can use black or green tea, flavored or unflavored, and you can add just about any other kind of flavoring to it. Kombucha cultures are very hardy. Unless you freeze them or toss them in boiling water, it's unlikely that you'll kill them, and contamination is uncommon. That being said, if you see any black discoloration on your culture at any time, it's become contaminated and needs to be thrown out.

Kombucha cultures Breed Like Rabbits, so you will always have plenty to give away! Your culture will produce faster than you can find homes for all the babies, so you'll have to throw some of them away. I know, that's depressing, but it comes with the territory. Oh, one other thing to be aware of: kombucha cultures look a lot like giant boogers. I'm just going to call that one like I see it.

Most people make kombucha in a half-gallon jar, but I don't have the counter space for that, so I've invented a recipe that you can do in a quart jar. The thing to keep in mind if you use a quart jar is that the fermenting time is basically going to be cut in half, so you'll need to keep an eye on it and make sure it's not getting too sour for your taste.

How to brew kombucha in a quart jar:

You will need:

-kombucha culture and ½ cup starter tea (get online or from someone who brews kombucha)

-1 pint of boiling hot water (half a quart)

-1/3 cup sugar

-2 bags of green or black tea, or generous handful of loose-leaf tea

-1 bag of other tea or small handful of loose-leaf tea for flavoring (optional)

-paper towel

-canning jar band and lid

-dry erase marker (for writing dates on jars)

Place the tea bags or loose herbs in a clean quart jar and fill up halfway with boiling water. Steep for 20 minutes. Remove tea bags and add 1/3 cup of sugar. Stir until dissolved. Put jar in fridge or freezer to chill to luke warm. (Mason jars can go in the freezer).

Add filtered water until the quart jar is filled up about ¾ of the way, and then add the starter tea and culture. Screw the band over the paper towel and let it ferment until it tastes right. My quart jars generally take about two days for the first ferment.  It'll depend on your kitchen's temperature and humidity level.

After the first ferment, it's time to add any additional flavoring. You can add fruit, cinnamon sticks, or fresh or dried herbs. Screw on a lid and band tight, and it's ready for the second fermentation. If you don't add anything to it, it will start to form cultures on the top of the liquid. Open it and dispose of these at least once a day. These baby cultures will make it too sour if you leave them in there. When I put fruit in for the second ferment, I don't have issues with baby cultures forming.

Once your kombucha is done, it can be stored in the fridge. I try to drink one or two 8 oz glasses a day, 3 if I'm coming down with something. I try to use it up within a week.

You can easily do this recipe in a half-gallon jar.  Just double all the ingredients. 

Kid Stuff: Stages of Child Development in Laymen's Terms

I have an associate degree in early childhood education, which means I've read a lot of books that use words like “hatching” and “launching” to describe different phases in child development.

While I have no objections to using those terms, I've come up with a way to describe the phases of child development that is, in my opinion, more entertaining and descriptive.

First stage: The “Watch out for the baby's head!” stage. (Roughly birth to 12 months.)

Second stage: The “Sweetie, watch your head!” stage. (Once the toddler starts moving around on their own.)

Third stage: The “Where the frak do you get these ideas ?!” stage. (Roughly preschool through early elementary school.)

Fourth stage: The “I don't even want to know where the frak you get these ideas!” stage. (Mid-elementary school up through high school.) 

Now that I'm an adult, the things my sister and I tried to pull as kids are starting to horrify me, haha! 

There Are NO "Bad" Foods!

I've had a rough weekend, so I was not happy when I saw that someone on Facebook labeled sweets as “bad.”

I'm going to be brutally honest here: Labeling ANY food as “bad” is not going to lead anywhere good. Food is neutral in itself. It's not good or bad. Our food CHOICES can be good or bad when we eat too much or too little of different things. I'm not against trying to make healthy food choices. But food choices are a separate issue from food itself.

As someone who's struggled with an eating disorder and nearly lost the battle, I take this issue of labeling “bad” foods very seriously. I'm not saying everyone who labels foods is destined to develop anorexia or bulimia, but you have to understand, it's a slippery slope. Once you start thinking in black and white like that, it's very hard to quit. I would know. I'm still working on it.

People who knew me back when I was at my sickest have told me how much healthier I look now. The kicker is, I got that way from eating lots of “bad” foods. When I was in treatment, I had a licensed dietician tell me to eat dessert every day. She also had me working on getting a decent level of fat intake from a variety of foods. (Did you know that all of our vital organs are made up mostly of fat tissue??)

So yeah, all that to say, I don't want to hear any more of this “bad” food business. Making the occasional batch of brownies is not bad. Being in danger of heart failure at age 21 because you're not eating? Now that's bad.

Identity Theft

For the past year or so, I have been growing more and more disgusted with the westernized church. In that time frame, my negative experiences with professing Christians have far outnumbered the positive ones. There are many problems plaguing the western church, and I will write about them as G-d gives me the words. The problem I want to talk about right now is identity theft.

No, I'm not talking about credit card theft. I'm talking about spiritual identity theft. For most of my Christian life, I have wanted to throw up whenever someone told me I needed to “get rooted in my identity in Christ.” I always thought that was because I was battling spiritual warfare, and once I got through that, I would find my identity in Christ and we'd all live happily ever after. I soon realized, however, that my problem was not that I didn't know who I was in Christ. My problem was that many of my fellow believers thought my identity belonged to them. “Getting rooted in my identity in Christ” was usually a euphemism for “Attend this group you don't have time or energy for. Take on this service project even if it makes you dead tired. Read this book. If you don't want/can't afford said book right now, I will question your salvation and your desire to know G-d.” As I've become progressively Messianic in my spirituality, “You need to get rooted in your identity in Christ” has become a euphemism for, “If you knew who you were in Christ, you wouldn't be so obsessed with Judaism.”

Spiritual identity theft is growing for a number of reasons. A big reason is fear. I see more fear inside the church than outside it these days. Christians simply don't trust anymore. We've become so afraid of sin that we think the only way to get a handle on it is to take away everyone else's free will and individuality. Another reason that kind of goes along with that is negativity. Christians focus more on what not to do than on what to do. And this hyper-focus on negativity is leading to micro-managing other people's spiritual lives in areas that might not be as simple and black-and white as we'd like to believe.

There are certainly times to ask for and give advice. But we need to give advice without snatching people's dignity. When people give us advice, we need to filter it through Scripture and the Holy Spirit and discern how to apply that advice in a way that works for our lives and our true, G-d-given identities. We need to approach the subject of identity in such a way that we do not commit identity theft.

Why Some Social Justice Issues Get All The Hype

I just read an interesting article from Sojourners about how the church is very sex-oriented these days. I wholeheartedly agree with this article. This post is not to criticize the article but rather to take the discussion a step further.

The fact that the church is getting sex-oriented is really a symptom that the church is attention-oriented, in my humble opinion. I would say that there are four main topics that generate a lot of hype in the church today. Those issues are abortion, homosexuality, human trafficking, and overseas mission work. People who participate in activism related to those issues often get a lot of external recognition. People want to support those efforts because they are seen as “worthy causes.” I'm not saying these issues aren't important, but we need to take a look at how we usually handle said issues. The reality is, it's easy to get involved in these areas without asking a lot of tough questions, and without challenging ourselves spiritually.

I'm at the point where I really don't want to read any more articles about those four main topics. Those topics have gotten enough hype. I want to see more articles about suburban and rural poverty, sustainability, and access to mental health services. These issues are just as “moral” as the issues that generate more hype, and yet I hardly ever see articles about them. I've come up with a few reasons why no one cares about these issues:

Reason #1: The solutions are extremely “ordinary” and won't bring you external praise.

One of the most effective ways to get people working together on issues is online petitions. You'd be amazed at the changes that people have brought about through this venue. I've written about the importance of the national missionary movement and how it's a much better alternative to overseas mission work in some cases. But supporting those things won't generate praise from other people, and for many of them, that's reason enough not to bother.

Reason #2: The solutions require us to let go of prejudice. I'm going to come out and say it: I am prejudiced. If you are a member of the human race, you are prejudiced. Period. We all have our pre-conceived ideas about certain types of people and certain ideas. Issues like poverty and mental health are extremely stigmatized. Sadly, I think the subject of mental illness is even more difficult for Christians, since so many of us are buying into the BS idea that mental illness is spiritual in nature and people just need to be freed from demons and whatnot. Talking and thinking about these issues is very uncomfortable because we all have our own pre-conceived ideas of what poverty and mental illness look like, and what causes them. It's very difficult to acknowledge that these issues might look different than what we expect.

Reason #3: People care more about parties than about working together and finding common ground. I know that if I start talking about corporate bailouts and the recent budget cuts to the food stamp program, politically conservative Christians are going to write me off as liberal and ignore me. I am probably ruffling a lot of feathers with this statement but I don't care. People are way too party-oriented, especially in the church. I have lost a lot of Christian friends because I don't vote Republican and don't identify as a specific party. If someone came to me and told me they wanted to work on these issues, I wouldn't care who they voted for in the last election. I would be thrilled that they see me as another human being with good intentions. If we could stop being party-oriented we'd be in much better shape, but I'm not optimistic that it's going to happen any time soon.

My Two Cents On “I Left My Religion” Memoirs

I'm in an interesting season right now. I am undergoing a LOT of changes in my life, both logistically and spiritually. I'll write more about all that once I know which end of me is up.

Lately I've been drawn to memoirs written by people who made significant changes in their belief system, whether that meant joining a religion or leaving one. I think that's because I understand where people on both sides are coming from. Joining or leaving a religion is a big decision, and if you're going about it wisely, it's not something that happens overnight.

I don't have an opinion on the genre as a whole, for the record. I can't say I like or hate all “I left my religion” memoirs any more than I could say I love or hate all fiction books. I've read some memoirs that are very gracious and well-written, and others where the author clearly meant it as an attack on their previous religion and the people who still believe in it.

There are two important things we have to understand about “I Left My Religion” memoirs:

1.) Those of us who joined a religion later on in life are in the same boat, in a way, because we traded in one belief system for another. Even if you did not “grow up religious”, you grew up with a set of beliefs about the world. If you joined a different religion, you probably rejected at least some of the beliefs you grew up with. If you are spiritually healthy, your beliefs will evolve over time, even if they don't drastically change. So I would caution anyone who has issues with “I left my religion” memoirs in general not to turn it into an “us versus them” thing.

2.) Whether or not an “I left my religion” memoir is positive or not depends on who the author claims is responsible for their wounds. The more negative authors tend to blame their ex-religion as a whole, as opposed to naming abusive behaviors and situations such as mind control, abuse, and cults. These are situations that can happen in any belief system, and it's possible to call them for what they are without attacking a specific religion or particular people.

Feel free to share your experience with “I left my religion” memoirs or “I joined a different religion” memoirs! I've love to hear what you all have to say!

Ask Kati: "Are you Conservative?"

I get this question a lot and it's a fair question, considering that I'm somewhat egaliatarian-ish and support “common sense” feminism, yet cover my hair and hardly ever wear pants anymore.

It depends on what you mean by “conservative.” In this instance people can either mean politically conservative culturally conservative, or theologically conservative. Since these are three very different things, my answer has three parts.

Politically, I definitely do not identify as conservative. I guess you could say I'm a moderate. I think liberals are right about some things, conservatives are right about others, and on other points both are right or both are wrong. I think we lose out on a lot when we care more about parties than about particular candidates and issues. But I really hate blogging about politics so I'm going to stop there.

Culturally, I suppose you could say I'm fairly conservative. Taking my husband's name when I got married meant a lot to me. I would much rather be referred to as “Mrs.” than “Ms.” because I am happily married and I'm not ashamed of that. Even before I became a Christian, I didn't think pre-marital sex was a smart idea, especially for teenagers. I'm not going to go so far as to say teenagers should never date. That being said, I'm also not going to encourage my teenagers to date in high school, for a number of reasons. Modesty has become pretty meaningful to me in the last couple of years. I wear long skirts almost all the time, and I have covered my head full-time for over two years. I don't think it's incompatible with feminism. If anything is incompatible with feminism, it's succumbing to societal pressures to flaunt everything you've got.

You could also say I'm theologically conservative, although this one is a little more complicated. I'm theologically conservative in the sense that I believe the Bible to be the only religious text that is fully true and free of error. (And for the record, I don't deny that there are some issues in translating Hebrew and Greek into English. The more I learn about those cultures and languages, the more I realize how much we lose trying to translate it into English. But that doesn't negate the truth of the Bible.) Every Christian has their own definition of “theologically conservative”, so I will have to elaborate more about my definition in a different post, but that is the gist of it. 

I love answering questions like this!  If there's anything you'd like to ask please leave it in the comments section and I'll do a post about it! 

Fasting From Self-Loathing

I have a love-hate relationship with the Lenten season, to be honest. I don't hate it, and most of the time it's spiritually meaningful to me. But I'm starting to have serious issues with this whole idea of giving something up for Lent. Maybe giving something up can be meaningful for some people, and if it is, I have no judgment against that. But are we giving these things up because G-d is leading us to, or because “everyone else is doing it?”

To be honest, giving up the things that most people give up for Lent (or, in some cases, try to give up) would not enhance my life or my spirituality in any significant way. I am a recovering anorexic, so any type of food fast would be a HORRIBLE idea. I run an Etsy shop, so fasting from the internet is out. I don't drink coffee that often, but on days I need it, you don't want to be around me until I've had it. So there goes that.

This year I was trying to discern if/how G-d was leading me to observe Lent this year, and He had an idea that blew my mind.

G-d asked me to give up self-loathing.

And I'll be honest: most of the time I'm simply trying to give up self loathing, but you know what? It's already life-changing. I can stand to be around myself. Heck, I actually like myself some of the time! I'm not plagued with that feeling of “Ugggh, I'm everywhere I go, I can't get away from myself!”

Now I'm not going to lie: Giving up self loathing, ok, trying to give up self-loathing is Freakin'. Hard. It's not as tangible as giving up coffee or the internet. It's as counter-cultural as you can get, and boy will you feel that. But this is important, because self-loathing is both extremely common and fatal. Think about it. You don't become suicidal if you love yourself.

After I posted on Facebook that I'm giving up self-loathing, a friend suggested the idea of taking something up for Lent, not just giving something up. I decided I'm taking up self-love.

Or rather, I'm trying to! ;)

A Winter-Bashing Parody of "My Favorite Things"

I'm sick of winter, to put it nicely.  I don't have the time or coinage to go someplace warm.  My car has gotten stuck three times in as many weeks.  So I decided to channel all this frustration into writing a parody of "My Favorite Things".  Here it is:

Warmth is a concept with which I am smitten;

I'm sick of wearing my parka and mittens;

I want this winter to melt into spring;

Ice and cold are very un-favorite things

I'm done with snowflakes that stay on my lashes;

I'm done with falling and getting red gashes

I want geese to fly back with sun on their wings

Ice and cold are very un-favorite things!

No more snowing;

No more skidding;

I am way past mad

I try to remember that spring will be here

And then I won't feel so bad!

Living With Both Eyes Open

I've mentioned several times on this blog that the past year and a half has been a rough season. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that there has been more pain in the last 18ish months than in the last ten years of my life. And those of you who know the more nitty-gritty details of my life know that that is really saying something.

Last summer I posted about leaving the conventional workforce and focusing on my Etsy shop. The hope was that my husband and I would be able to move out to a hobby farm this year when our lease is up, at which point I would have to be able to stay home full-time to keep everything running. Well, that depended on my husband breaking into the field of tech support and getting a better paying job. And while the job market for tech support is fairly decent in our neck of the woods, things still haven't been exactly happening on our timetable.

This led to a lot of frustration as well as a depression and anorexia relapse. I didn't talk much about it at the time, but this past fall was really tough. I was performing in my church's production of “It's A Wonderful Life: The Musical” but in all honesty, I didn't feel like I had a wonderful life.

Sometime around Christmas, I realized that I needed to make some changes, both in my attitude and my home environment. Since there is the very real possibility of living in my current apartment for at least another year or two, I needed to make it feel like more of a home. Since we're not allowed to paint the walls, this meant decorating. I got out my old books and handouts from when I was in rehab for the eating disorder and got my diet back on track. I also made the decision to go back into childcare on an extremely part-time basis, both to generate a little more income and to give myself a reason to actually get out of the house.

I've been trying to figure out how to explain where my mind is at right now. The only analogy I can come up with is having eyesight restored via surgery after being blind since birth. Being able to see would be awesome, but think about what an adjustment that would be. You'd have to learn when to turn lights on and off. You'd have to remember to bring sunglasses. You'd have to learn how to drive and maintain a car and heck, even filling it up would be a learning curve. You'd have to learn how to read print. If you hadn't been able to see color, you'd have that to get used to. It would cause serious changes in your life. It would be equal parts awesome and terrifying.

That's where I'm at. I'm so glad I'm back in recovery mode, but at the same time, the sheer magnitude of food choices and the world outside my apartment is a huge shock. I'll get used to the “new normal”, but it won't happen overnight.

Kid Stuff: homemade play dough

I got an iPhone a couple weeks ago, and I'm experimenting with adding pictures to the blog from the phone but still using the computer for most of the typing.  (No, I don't have a tablet.  Someday, hopefully!)  So please bear with me while I get the hang of this!

Now that I'm doing childcare again, I want to start sharing some of the crafts, recipes, etc. that I've done.   Today I tried making homemade play-dough using the recipe in one of my early childhood textbooks.

Homemade Play Dough:

2 cups flour

1 cup salt

2 cups water

2 Tablespoons oil (I used vegetable oil)

2 teaspoons cream of tartar

food coloring

Stir all ingredients over low heat until mixture has coagulated into  a dough.  Allow time for the dough to cool thoroughly.  I took the pot off the stove and covered it with a dish towel until it was mostly cool, then put it in containers.  While kids definitely need to be taught not to eat the dough, all the ingredients are edible and they would probably have to eat a ton of it before they'd even get a stomachache.  This recipe made two pint containers (shown here), and the recipe can easily be cut in half.  I will probably cut it in half for future recipes because I don't need that much. 

New Blog Category: Kiddo Quotes

I am doing childcare again, on an extremely part-time basis (more about this in a different post) and I decided that it's high time I created a blog category devoted to the freakin' hilarious things that kids say. These posts won't be all that structured or organized, and they'll usually be pretty short. I'll pop on and share a kiddo quote after it happens, or after I remember ones from awhile back.

Here are a couple from today:

(Background: I was working with 2-year-old E. on saying “no, thanks.”)

Me: E, please stop jumping on the couch and sit nicely.

E (in the most angelic tone you could imagine): No, thanks!”

E: I wanna read this book.

Me: Okay, let's put it in my lap so I can see the words.

E: No, I'll read this book and you read that one by yourself!

Apparently independent reading is starting younger and younger these days!

List of Battles

If there's one thing humans are good at, it's believing things that aren't true. I could go on and on about how the internet has enabled the perpetuation of BS to reach disturbing heights. But that's a different post for a different day.

Today I'm going to address the misconceptions that I battle just about every day of my life. I'm an odd duck, I admit it. I cover my head. I juggle numerous physical and mental health issues. I'm wired differently and have some places in my brain that just don't “click” like everyone else's. That combination of stuff leads to a lot of misconceptions.

Here are just a few of the misconceptions people have had about me. Yes, people are really this ridiculous:

Myth: I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD because G-d wanted to punish me
Fact: I struggle with all of the above because genetics and environment can suck, and because people have the unfortunate capacity to make choices that screw up other people for life

Myth: Since I cover my head, I must be rigid about gender roles
Fact: yeah, no. Not really. Quite the opposite, actually. (There are so many misconceptions about head covering. I really need to do a separate post about this.)

Myth: Since I am white and have a middle class background, I don't have any problems.
Fact: Ha. Yeah. Right.

Myth: People with learning disabilities just don't think.

Fact: Have you ever been inside my head? I can't shut the darn thing off! Please let me know if you find the off switch so I can catch a break!

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I'm “anti-gay.”

Fact: Based on my intepretation of Scripture, I cannot accept same-sex attraction as “natural” and therefore do not identify as a “GLBT ally”. However, if your definition of “anti-gay” is turning all Westboro Baptist Church on people who are GLBT, I am not anti-gay, and I most certainly do not condone hate crimes of any kind. I have lost a lot of Christian friends and received some horribly vicious emails due to this radical notion that we are all human beings, and that none of us are a be-all, end-all authority on something as complicated as sexuality.

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I want all my beliefs to be enforced by the state and national government.

Fact: I've never thought that, and I think it even less so after watching “Persepolis.”

What about you? What are some misconceptions you battle with?

Stupid Questions (With a shot of cynicism and a PSA)

I have a love-hate relationship with the phrase “There is no such thing as a stupid question.” Most of the time, this phrase is said by well-meaning parents and teachers who want kids to feel like no question is off limits. That's a good thing, of course. But it overlooks the fact that some questions are, in fact, hilariously stupid.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not talking about asking honest questions in the interest of gathering information. Those questions are not stupid if you think before you ask. I'm talking about asking ridiculous questions that usually stem from false assumptions, questions that you can probably figure out the answer to if you think long enough. Most people who ask stupid questions are not stupid. That's what makes stupid questions so annoying. You're smarter than this, people!

Here are some stupid questions that either I or someone I know have been asked at one time or another:

Question #1: “How can you drive if you're hard of hearing?”

I should make it clear that this is not a stupid question when it's asked honestly and politely. It is, however, a very stupid question when it's asked in a panicked tone, and the person is thinking “Oh my gosh, I can't believe you are out in about driving in your condition without any kind of assistance!” sort of way. Logically, if I was unable to drive safely, I would not be doing it.

Question #2: “How could I have gotten pregnant? I used birth control!”

Um, yeah. There is a very simple answer to this question. One word: biology.

Question #3: “How does the baby breathe during a water birth?”

Obviously, the baby must grow a set of gills before birth and shed them immediately after.

Question #4: “Won't your hearing aids explode if you go through security scanners or metal detectors?”

Isn't that just the darnedest thing? These scanners process computers, phones, and medical devices every day without incident, yet somehow hearing aids are just too much. So my hearing aids prevent me from shopping, going to the library, traveling, or having any kind of life. Sad day!

Question #5: “When are you going to have kids?”

I've reached that point in my marriage where people think it's time to start asking me this question, as if their asking will make me magically have kids. (It also doesn't help that just about everyone and their grandmother is having babies right and left these days, but that's a whooole other discussion.) I really wish I had enough chutzpah to ask these people when they are planning on retiring or dying. Their reaction would be priceless.

Question #6: “Why do you care if I use the word 'retarded' ?”

Okay, so this one isn't hilarious like the others.  In fact, it's pretty serious.  I care about this because under these occasional bouts of cynicism, I am a decent, caring, compassionate human being who knows that the words we use matter, and you are using that word to slander the mental capacity of people with intellectual disabilities. I would care if someone slandered you, and I care when you slander other people.

(Here's the PSA I mentioned: Words mean things. Ditch the word “retarded.”)

On The Road With Hearing Loss

One of the questions I get asked the most about having hearing loss is, “How can you drive?” I got my license late, for a variety of reasons, none of which had anything to do with my hearing loss. But people still ask. For a long time, this question made me angry, because it seems like a stupid question to me. But I realized that it's not a stupid question for hearing people. So rather than get frustrated, I'm going to pipe down and actually answer the question.

The simple answer is, I drive just like anyone else. I did not get my license until after I became hard of hearing, so I don't know any different. I cannot hear sirens until they are right behind me, but I realized I developed the habit of frequently glancing in my rearview mirror, so I usually see them coming ahead of time. I stay in the right lane as much as possible so I can pull over quickly if I don't see it in advance, but that doesn't usually happen.

I listen to music just like anyone else. I can barely hear classical when I'm in my car, so I tend to gravitate toward other genres.

I keep a notepad in my car so I can have police officers write things down if I don't understand them. I also carry a hearing loss alert card in my wallet. I have yet to be pulled over, but if that ever happens, I will hand it to the police officer along with my license and registration. If you have hearing loss and get in an accident or get pulled over, it's very important for the cops to know that you are deaf or hard of hearing. They need to know that if you don't respond, it's because you can't hear them, not because you are intoxicated or injured. If you have recently developed hearing loss, I highly recommend getting a hearing loss alert card. Your local DMV or Department of Human Services should be able to tell you where to get one. If you have a cochlear implant, you should wear a medical alert bracelet or necklace stating that you cannot have an MRI, unless you know for a fact that your CI model is recent enough to be MRI-compatible.

So yeah, that's my two cents on hearing loss and driving!

Hearing Loss and Romantic Relationships

I just completed a survey on hearing loss and relationships, and I realized I have a few things to say about this, so I'm doing a blog post about it.

In one sense, dating relationships are no different than any other relationship. Just like with non-romantic relationships, you will get a lot further if you are honest about your needs and communicate them in a constructive way. Since communication is especially paramount for dating relationships, it's important to be honest about your communication needs with your significant other. And since technology is improving every day, wireless communication is getting a lot easier and more affordable for the deaf and hard of hearing population.

I have chatted with a lot of deaf and hard of hearing people about relationships (romantic or otherwise), and I've come to the following conclusion: Hearing loss does not cause relational conflict. It's a symptom that something deeper is wrong. When both parties have effective communication, hearing loss is an inconvenience at most. If your significant other is constantly being inconsiderate of your communication/accessibility needs, that's not a sign that they have problems with your hearing loss. That's a sign of selfishness, woundedness or any number of problems that have nothing to do with your hearing loss.

I know this sounds so simple, but honestly, I think it really IS that simple.

My Two Cents On "A New Normal"

Ever since I came out of the PTSD closet here on the blog, I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject.  I wanted to find a book or article that I could recommend, especially for everyone who is unfamiliar with PTSD.  Today I found a wonderful article that really captures all the complexities of not only living with PTSD but loving people who live with it.

Every one of the bullet points in the article was SPOT ON, but there are a couple in particular that I would like to comment on:

"Trauma permanently changes us."
Whether you have PTSD yourself or you know someone who does, you have to understand that you've passed the point of no return.  People who are old enough to remember life before their trauma occurred often divide their life into two parts: one before and one after the incident took place.  There is no such thing as "acting like it never happened."  Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or smoking something.

"Presence is always better than distance."
I'm going to come out and say it:  The church has failed GLORIOUSLY in this area.  I need to write more about this at some point once I can find a balance between grace and brutal honesty.  (Right now I'm feeling much more brutal than gracious.)  I can't tell you how many "Christians" have slammed the metaphorical door in my face upon learning that I didn't come from a squeaky clean background.  Whether or not you have a frame of reference for what I went through is, frankly, irrelevant.  You don't need to understand to be emotionally present.  

"Do NOT offer platitudes or comparisons.  Do not, do not, DO NOT."
In case you haven't noticed, this one is a bit on the important side.  Not that my other comments weren't important, but this is probably the most important one.  Unless you have been through the SAME THING, you most certainly do NOT know "how I feel" or what I "should" do to "get over it."  And using the words "get over it" is pretty much a big neon sign that says "I don't know crap about what I'm talking about."  Anyone who understands trauma knows there is no "getting over it".  There is one, and ONLY one appropriate response, and that is, "I'm so sorry this happened to you."  

"Allow those who are suffering to tell their own stories."
I'm going to point my finger at the church again.  While there are certainly times and places to share these stories, it's easy to use any excuse in the book to keep an uncomfortable story from being told.  Sometimes when people try to share what's happened to them, they are accused of being disrespectful or thoughtless.  I've seen this happen especially in the context of women trying to be open about having backgrounds of sexual abuse.  I've heard "Christian" men say that since that is a women's issue, they should not be bothered with it.  Obviously these men have not read the story of Jesus healing the woman with the female plumbing problems.  Jesus did not gloss over uncomfortable things, and we shouldn't either.  

Okay, so this post is a bit rougher around the edges than some of the others.  But frankly, I'm not too concerned.  I had a lot of important, honest things to say.  There's a line between being polite and being fakey nice.  When it comes to important subjects, I'm really sick of flirting with that line.  I'd rather be harsh than look or sound like I just came off the set of "The Stepford Wives." 

Can The Bible Become An Idol?

One of my Facebook friends asked a very interesting question: Can the Bible ever be an idol? The answers people gave were very well-thought out, with a wide variety of opinions. This is such an interesting and important question that I wanted to mull over it some more and share it on my blog.

My short answer to that question is yes, in my opinion, it absolutely can become an idol. My definition of an idol is something that brings you further away from G-d instead of closer to Him. Going by that definition, anything could be an idol, and that would include the Bible.

(I'm going to stop here and say that, while the subject of distorting Scripture to justify atrocities is certainly an important one, it's a different subject altogether so it's best saved for another day.)

How we handle our interpretations of the Bible says a lot about whether or not we are idolizing it. Someone who doesn't idolize the Bible has no fear of being “wrong” or of someone disagreeing with them. A person who is idolizing the Bible is terrified of being wrong. They'll say things like, “Drinking is wrong because the Bible says so,” and they won't leave any room for the other common interpretation of those verses that say it's getting drunk, not drinking, that's immoral. That is idolatry because it puts pride above connection with G-d and connection with other believers.

I would also say that our approaches to reading the Bible can also help determine whether or not we are idolizing it. While I wholeheartedly agree that most Christians don't read the Bible anywhere near as often as they should, our antennas should go up if someone tells us we “have” to read it in a certain way, for a certain length of time, and at a certain time of day. (Why no, this is not at all a direct reference to all those “experts” who say you must pray and read the Bible every morning like clockwork! :P) Imagine how life would be if we approached our relationships with our spouses and our friends that way! Our relationships with each other are not one size fits all, and our relationships with G-d are the same way.

I would love to hear what you all have to say on this subject! :)

Things That Are Currently Irritating The Snot Out Of Me

Sometimes I have genuinely thoughtful insights to share with you all.

This is most certainly not one of those times.  Heck, if you spent half a weekend trying to keep chronic health issues from taking you out, you wouldn't have much in the way of insight either.  There's something about flare-ups that turns the thoughtful part of your brain off and clicks the cynical part into high gear.  I'm sure they'll medically prove it one of these days.

Anyway, since the cynical part of my brain is in full swing, here's my half-joking, half-serious list of things that are currently driving me up a wall:

1.) Slang terms like “selfie” and “adorbs.” Seriously, what is up with these pseudo-words? Have we gotten so lazy that we don't have time to use actual words?  If you know me in person, please don't use those words.  I promise it won't end well.  And no, that's not a threat.  It's a prediction of how I'm going to respond :P.

2.) When intelligent people act stupid because they think it makes them cool or culturally relevant. This is a biggie. Just stop acting stupid if you're not actually stupid. Anyone you're impressing is probably someone you shouldn't be trying to impress.

3.) Cat hair that floats around my apartment instead of staying attached to my cat where it belongs.

4.) Running out of the yummy crackers while we're frozen in. (Yes, I am almost 26 and love eating peanut butter on crackers. Deal with it.)

5.) Being frozen in.  For the first time since 1997, the Minnesnowta governor called for a state-wide school closing for tomorrow.  My husband is getting a frozen day from his job as a bus driver.  Don't get me wrong, it'll be nice to have him here, and he's thrilled to have a three-day weekend, but it's officially colder here than on Mars. This is disturbing. 

 

Balance

There are no words to describe how much I hate the concept of “new year's resolutions.” Let's be honest. They're a load of bunk. They don't work. No one keeps them. They're like the self-help version of fad diets. That's why I was intrigued when I stumbled upon this OneWord365 challenge. It wasn't exactly rocket science trying to figure out which word to choose: balance. Everyone needs balance, but I need it like a diabetic needs insulin.

I've wrestled with so many strongholds. Anorexia and codependency are the top two contenders. These two addictions are the enemy of balance. Heck, any addiction is an enemy of balance. In the past several months, I've gone to significant lengths to try to achieve balance. I left the conventional workforce. I took a sabbatical from my Etsy shop last summer. I've got a pretty good understanding of what I need to do to achieve balance in my life, and I've been trying to do it for awhile. This year I need to continue in my quest for balance.

The issue of codependency impeding balance isn't discussed anywhere near as often as it should be. As I continue to heal, I hope to write more about this, because it's huge. That's why I'm creating a “healing” section of my blog. It's not going to be an easy subject by any means, but it's so important. If even one person reads this and starts pursuing balance and healing, that's more than enough for me.