Love/Hate Update 11/23

Things are still rough going, for a lot of reasons I'm still not comfortable sharing.  But for some reason, I still want to try to keep blogging with some sort of regularity, so here's another love/hate update.

Love:
-all the wonderful people I get to work with in my church's Christmas play, "It's a Wonderful Life: The Musical".  It's been tiring, but fun.  I'm in the chorus and loving it.  If you're going to be in MinneSNOWta for the holidays, you should come see it! 

-the relief that comes from working through hefty crap that's had a hold on me for years

-having a healthy marriage where working through things trumps fear of getting divorced

-cats.  They make life more bearable.  The last known case of someone being crabby while a cat purred at them was never.

-growing closer with my wonderful sister as we get older.  Also loving the fact that she'll be in town for BOTH major holidays this year!

-"Monty Python's Flying Circus".  The hubby and I are getting hooked on it.  It's a bit crude at times, (ok, sometimes a lot crude), but it's hilarious.  We've been making up our own versions of the lumberjack song. No, we're not weird or anything! :p


Hate:
-this past year.  It's had its good points, but it's also been full of pain, change, and loss.  Can we be done with this year, please?

-the fact that said pain, change, and loss is bringing old habits and strongholds out of the woodwork.

-the fact that my wonderful sister doesn't exactly live nearby

-spiritual constipation.  There's been a lot of it lately.

Between the play and the holidays coming up, I might hit a new low for posts.  In case that ends up happening, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season!  Take care!

Progression of My Views on Technology

Unlike the generations that will follow me, I have memories of life before the technological revolution.  Generally speaking, I hate change, and therefore I was pretty resistant to most of the technological milestones I've seen.  Here is a timeline of my oh so positive responses to each milestone, and how I eventually responded.

"Why would anyone put a computer game on a CD?"  (1995, age 7.  Just a few short years later, I had a whole collection of games.)

"Who needs the internet?  Why would two computers need to talk to each other?" At age 8. (I now run my own online Etsy shop.)  

"Why would anyone use a 'car phone'?" Around age 8-9, back before they were called cell phones.  (I've had my own cell phone since I was 16.)

"What's the point of digital photography?" Around age 14.  (Now I take digital pictures all the time, and haven't ordered any prints since my husband and I ordered wedding photos.)

"Text messaging is so stupid!"  At age 16, after getting my first cell phone.  (Now that my hearing and speech perception are going down the crapper, I text way more than I talk.)

"Who needs an Ipod touch?"  Me at 18-19.  (Registered for one as a wedding gift just 4 years later.)

"Iphones are the most pointless things ever!"  (Irritated at having the Ipod separate from my phone, and having to always carry both devices everywhere, I will be getting my first Iphone when I upgrade my phone in a few months.)

I also used to balk at the idea of using any type of electronic calendar, but now I use the one on the Ipod constantly and look forward to experimenting with other apps once i have my Iphone.  

Yay for technological progress! :)

The Essence of PTSD In A Piece of Music

Right now, I'm in a place where I'm writing a lot but it's not stuff I would ever want to share on this blog.  Frankly, life tough going right now, in just about every sense.  Happens to all of us.  I'm not saying it'll be like this forever, but I'm also not going to pretend it's a bed of roses right now.

I stumbled upon this piece and I want to share it with you because I have never found anything that embodies the emotional component of PTSD quite like this piece does. 

PTSD Coping 101, Part 2: Practical Coping Tips

Click here to read Part 1.

In the past couple years, I've discovered some tricks for coping with PTSD that have made life a little more bearable. Feel free to pick and choose what works for you.

1.) Know your triggers, and take reasonable measures to avoid them.

After developing a serious allergy to shellfish, I realized it's the perfect analogy for thinking about coping with PTSD. For whatever reason, my body cannot respond to shellfish “normally.” If I eat shellfish, my mouth will go numb and my lips will puff up like Chinese dessert biscuits. Since I know that is how I will react, I don't eat shellfish, or any food that might have come into contact with it.

The same rule applies to PTSD. Ask yourself what triggers flashbacks or anxiety attacks. Some triggers, like movies that remind you of the incident, can be avoided to some extent. This is a huge trigger for me. Before watching a new movie, I go on IMDB and take a look at the parental content advisory. Depending on the movie, I either won't watch it at all or I will skip the part I know will cause a trigger. Knowing it's coming is a huge help.

2.) If you can't avoid a trigger, make a plan and stick to it.

Triggers that can't be avoided can be a bit more challenging. Going to the eye doctor and the dentist are torture for me. But it's a part of life, and a part of taking charge of my overall preventative care. So I make every effort to get through those experiences as comfortably as possible. I request nitrous oxide (laughing gas) for EVERY dental appointment, even checkups. I bring my Ipod and listen to relaxing music. People with extremely incapacitating PTSD might opt for full sedation or anesthesia. But those options are not without their medical risks, not to mention astronomical costs, and I'm at the point where the nitrous oxide and my music are enough for routine exams and minor dental work.

Going to the eye doctor is tougher because obviously I have to be fully awake. It's never a fun experience, but it's more bearable if you have a good relationship with your eye doctor. Be specific about how they can help you get through it. I ask my eye doctor to move very slowly if she has to get close to my eyes or head, and to talk me through the whole thing. If you have trouble with sudden movements close to your head, don't even attempt the “air puff” test for glaucoma. Find an eye doctor who doesn't use it. When you call to make your appointment, double check that your clinic hasn't started using it. If they refuse to do one of the other less invasive (and more reliable) glaucoma tests, change clinics. I'm serious.

If you have PTSD, you've been through enough already.

3.) Know your physical/psychological signs of panic attacks and flashbacks and how to respond.

With my shellfish allergy, I know I have to pop the Benadryl when my mouth starts going numb. At that point I still have enough oxygen and mental capacity to get the Benadryl before it gets worse. It's the same with the PTSD. I have this odd sense of “impending doom” when I'm about to have a panic attack or flashback. I don't know how else to explain it. At that point, I am usually still “there” enough to know it's coming and to communicate what I need if someone is with me. Even if I can't spit out a sentence, I usually get a few words out and throw in a gesture or two if I act fast enough.

4.) Ditch people who won't even try to understand the situation. Surround yourself with people who get it. Don't be afraid to tell them what you need.

If you have PTSD, you have lived through hell on earth. You need to do yourself a huge favor and stop wasting time with people who just make you more miserable. People who do not have PTSD don't have a grid for it. You need to surround yourself with people who are brave enough to accept this. Just like I wouldn't waste my time with someone who makes fun of me for having to avoid shellfish, I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't try to understand why I have to check movie content ahead of time even though I'm an adult. I am so lucky to have a husband who is amazingly supportive. By now he's seen it all, and is pretty good at reading me and figuring out what I need even if I'm too far gone to speak.

These posts barely scratch the surface of what it's like to live with PTSD or love someone who lives with it. I will write more posts on the different facets of the subject as I'm emotionally able. Please bear with me if they wind up being few and far between. Hopefully this will be useful to someone somewhere!

PTSD Coping 101, Part 1: PTSD for Dummies

I've been living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for almost 15 years. For 9 of said 15 years, I had no idea that's what I have. I never wrote about it on my blog because it's not an easy subject, needless to say. I think I deluded myself into thinking that if I didn't talk about it, maybe it would somehow get a bit more compact, a bit easier to contend with. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Before I go on, let me be up front about the fact that I am never going to publicly share the details of what happened to cause my PTSD, so please don't ask. The situation is such that I simply cannot share publicly without a lot of relational consequences. People who know me in “real life” and know the situation understand where I'm coming from. For people who don't, please accept my sincere apologies for not being able to elaborate. You don't need my story to understand living with PTSD.

For anyone who is lucky enough to be unfamiliar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it's exactly what it sounds like: A stress response to a traumatic situation. Stimuli in the environment that are mundane to other people are triggers for us. A good analogy is allergies. What doesn't bother one person can make another person's throat close up. Someone who has been in combat might hit the ground when they hear a sound like a car backfiring, whereas someone who has not will simply be startled and keep going about their business.

PTSD was discovered during the later years of the Vietnam War, and is still extremely common amongst war veterans. Combat is not the only situation that can cause PTSD. Abuse (in any sense), accidents, living in war zones, illnesses, natural disasters, and similar incidents can all cause PTSD if not treated right away.

The hallmark of PTSD is having flashbacks. When someone is having a flashback, it's as if they are re-living the traumatic incident. It doesn't matter if it happened recently or 20 years ago. To a person with PTSD, when they have a flashback, the incident is happening again. Flashbacks usually go away on their own and decrease in frequency and severity as you get further into the recovery process. Some people have success in snapping themselves out of their flashbacks. I'll write more about this in another post.

While I'm on this subject, I want to give a short PSA: If you suspect that you might have PTSD, you need to make an appointment with your general practitioner PRONTO. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT go 9 years without coming out of the PTSD closet. The end results are not pretty. It will mess up your life to a much greater degree than if you address it as soon as you're aware of it. Unless your doctor practices integrative care, they will probably refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist.  I can tell you with absolute certainty that it will not get better until you deal with it.  

For people with PTSD, day-to-day life can be an uphill battle.  Living a fulfilling, active life is possible, now that I've accepted the fact that I live my life as a trauma survivor.  In Part 2, I'll share some of my practical tips for coping. 

"It's Tough Being A Western Woman"

I was watching this 20/20 special on Malala Yousafzai. It seems so cheesy to say it's a great story, but it really is. And for the D/HH crowd, it's captioned!

I'm mentioning this documentary because there's a line in there that really sums up how I understand feminism, dress, and headcovering these days. For anyone who did not watch the special (which you really should, because it's amazing), there's a scene where Diane Sawyer is interviewing some fundamentalist Muslim women who do not agree with Malala's viewpoint. One of the women is talking about how Western women face a lot of pressure and there is so much focus on what body parts are showing. She says, point blank, “It's tough being a Western woman.”

I disagree with the other stuff this woman said. But I am not going to disagree with that. It's tough being a Western woman. It's tough enough that I'm no longer trying to shove myself into a mold I don't fit, this arbitrary standard of what makes an “ideal woman.” I care about the pointless stuff a lot less now that I cover my head and more of my body than I used to. (My style of dress has evolved a bit in the past two years. I'll be writing more about that in another post.) I dress the way I do because it's FREEING! I'm not saying we should make laws that require every woman to dress like this. That wouldn't be freeing. But you have to understand, I feel freer now than I used to. I used to drive myself crazy worrying about my hair. It's “double thick”, meaning the strands are thick and I have a lot of hair. I struggled to get it to do what I wanted. I wasted so much time worrying about it. I ironed, sprayed, and gooped it up way more than was good for it. It's so much simpler to put on a hat or a scarf (or two or three) and leave it at that.

Before I started covering, people defined me by my appearance. My hair and my body attracted a lot of attention. It got to the point where I felt like that's all I was. Wearing a headscarf and covering the outline of my legs sends the message, “Yes, I have a body, but it's not all I am."  That is not an "un-feminist" message to send. 

I'm not going to insist that every woman cover. But I will say, being a Western woman got much easier when I did.