An Angry Owl Moment

 If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s getting worked up at the drop of a hat.  If I’m upset with someone, it takes every ounce of my willpower to not give them the business end of a hissyfit.  My loved ones know this all too well.

My husband and I have started referring to hissyfits as “angry owl moments,” both because we saw this video and because Esther’s ears go back like an owl if she freaks out over a loud noise. 

Side note #1: Esther is our cat, not a human child.  Just thought I would throw that in there to avoid giving new readers disturbing mental images, haha!

Side note #2: Although I am not diabetic, I do have hypoglycemic tendencies as a result of having struggled with an eating disorder, so I can identify with this video. I have no idea why the phrase “angry owl moment” works, but it does.

Okay, now that I have the side notes out of the way, I am going to share the angry owl moment I had earlier today.  I have been throwing fits over little things since I first figured out how to yell.  But now that I’m at the ripe old age of 25, my angry owl moments are much shorter and I’m laughing at myself a lot more than I used to.

Today I was really feeling the need for rest, so I’d resolved to do only the basic chores and then tuck in with a book.  Suddenly the intercom buzzed, causing Esther’s owl persona to emerge.  Now, there are a couple things you have to know about this intercom.  One, it’s so loud the deaf population of Tanzania can probably hear it.  Second of all, it’s broken in such a way that I can talk to the person at the door but all I get is static when they talk.  So if someone buzzes, I have to walk down there to find out what they want.  I didn’t see a UPS truck and I wasn’t expecting a package. So I chalked it up to young whippersnappers playing with the intercom buttons AGAIN, and decided it wasn’t worth wasting my precious energy to go outside and get barbecued.  

When Justin came home from work, he found a UPS notice on the front door.  I went into angry owl mode in a heartbeat.  Seriously?!  How can there be a UPS package without a UPS truck??  Who, besides kids, buzzes an intercom more than once?  What the heck is in this package, anyway?  I didn’t order a package!

Then we went online and found out that the package contains our new Red Cross emergency radio.  We’d ordered one ages ago and it was defective, so we asked for a replacement.  Now, after what feels like decades, apparently we’re finally getting one.  The angry owl moment continued:  Why are they only just replacing it now?  Why couldn’t they just send us one that worked in the first place and save both of us a lot of trouble??  Do they know how many storms we’ve had to go through without this thing??  Is everyone in the world completely incompetent??

At this point, Esther decided to bring me back to reality with a cold nose on my leg.  I started laughing at myself, and I couldn’t stop.  Being able to laugh at my angry owl moments is a huge milestone. 

If you struggle with angry owl moments, don’t despair.  They happen to the best of us.  The older you get, the easier it will get to laugh at yourself and move on :)

The Food Connection

 By now, my little balcony garden is thriving.  Everything looks, tastes, and smells terrific.  Every morning, before breakfast, coffee, or my work, I’m out there, watering and pruning.  I absolutely love being able to do this.  I love being physically strong enough to care for these beautiful plants.  I love knowing that I’ll be strong enough to raise my own livestock down the road.  There’s this indescribable sense of peace and wholeness.    The word “wholeness” doesn’t really go far enough.  “Connectedness” is a better word.  I’m living in color now, fully connected to these plants I’m raising and the food they produce.

I used to have extremely disordered, disconnected eating patterns.  I’m staying away from the phrase “eating disorder,” not because it offends me, but because I feel like it’s not an accurate description of what I went through, of what countless people are still going through.  The word “disconnected” is much more like it.  I was disconnected from all the positive aspects of food.  Eating had become this compartmentalized part of my existence that I resented. 

When I started outpatient rehab, I had a Body Mass Index of 16.  (The healthy range for women in my age group is 18-24).  My care team was concerned I was going to drop dead from a heart attack, because my heart was under so much stress.  My hair was coming out in such big clumps that I actually had a few bald spots.  I was so disconnected from everyone and everything. 

Gradually things began to improve.  The facility where I received treatment was phenomenal.  My heart got stronger.  My weight went up.  I started learning how to enjoy food again.  The one thing I wished this treatment center would’ve had was a huge vegetable garden for the patients. A few well-intentioned people have told me I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life.  I used to believe that.  But now, after cultivating my garden, I respectfully disagree.  I’m not saying my experience didn’t leave scars.  I will always have to take precautions to prevent osteoporosis and other health problems that most people my age don’t have to worry about.  But anorexia doesn’t have a hold on me anymore.  It lost its power when I reconnected with food.

The One Thing That Really Matters

Lately I've been hit by the realization that I'm surrounded by emptiness.  No, that doesn't go far enough.

I'm finding nothing but emptiness in the things that used to fill me up.

"Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Jesus Christ my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ." (Philippians 3:8.)

There are so many things that simply don't matter.

There's really only one thing that will matter in ten minutes, ten days, ten years, a lifetime.

Jesus is alive.

As details about today's shooting in Connecticut flood the internet, St. Paul's words become louder and clearer than anything I've ever heard with my physical ears.  

My heart has this overwhelming need to stand still this evening.  All the little things that seemed earth-shattering before are empty and pointless now.  I stare at the knitting project that I was convinced was going to be the death of me.  Now it's just an insignificant pile of wool.  

All I can think about is the fact that I'm still breathing, and I still have a husband and nieces nephews to hug the stuffing out of.  

I have this overwhelming need to put all the useless crap on hold just for tonight.  I need to hold onto this truth with everything that I am.

Jesus is still alive.

Living in Gratitude

Around the time this transformation started, the importance and joy of gratitude began to sink in.  I used to do gratitude journals from time to time, which were simple lists of things I was grateful for that day.  I didn't put too fine a point on it, though.  It just felt like what I should do.  Then I stumbled upon Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience.  This dear sister actually set out to list a thousand gifts she's received from the Lord in the midst of everyday life!  

In early November, I set out to make my own list of the gifts God has given me.  I'm learning that I have to want to find the gifts or I'm not going to want to find them.  But now that I'm starting to look, I'm seeing them everywhere, even places I didn't know gifts could reside!

Right now we're up to 97 and counting!  Here are a few highlights:
49.) Grilled cheese and tomato soup
64.) Amish cookbooks
66.) handmade slippers
77.) the heat in my car is in working order

I'm even seeing gifts in the midst of my current battle with tonsillitis :):
85.) rainbow sherbet :D
86.) our warm, comfortable bed
95.) lazy mornings
96.) antibiotics
97.) long, healing naps


Leave a post if you've started listing a thousand gifts!  I'd love to hear from you!