A Winter-Bashing Parody of "My Favorite Things"

I'm sick of winter, to put it nicely.  I don't have the time or coinage to go someplace warm.  My car has gotten stuck three times in as many weeks.  So I decided to channel all this frustration into writing a parody of "My Favorite Things".  Here it is:

Warmth is a concept with which I am smitten;

I'm sick of wearing my parka and mittens;

I want this winter to melt into spring;

Ice and cold are very un-favorite things

I'm done with snowflakes that stay on my lashes;

I'm done with falling and getting red gashes

I want geese to fly back with sun on their wings

Ice and cold are very un-favorite things!

No more snowing;

No more skidding;

I am way past mad

I try to remember that spring will be here

And then I won't feel so bad!

List of Battles

If there's one thing humans are good at, it's believing things that aren't true. I could go on and on about how the internet has enabled the perpetuation of BS to reach disturbing heights. But that's a different post for a different day.

Today I'm going to address the misconceptions that I battle just about every day of my life. I'm an odd duck, I admit it. I cover my head. I juggle numerous physical and mental health issues. I'm wired differently and have some places in my brain that just don't “click” like everyone else's. That combination of stuff leads to a lot of misconceptions.

Here are just a few of the misconceptions people have had about me. Yes, people are really this ridiculous:

Myth: I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD because G-d wanted to punish me
Fact: I struggle with all of the above because genetics and environment can suck, and because people have the unfortunate capacity to make choices that screw up other people for life

Myth: Since I cover my head, I must be rigid about gender roles
Fact: yeah, no. Not really. Quite the opposite, actually. (There are so many misconceptions about head covering. I really need to do a separate post about this.)

Myth: Since I am white and have a middle class background, I don't have any problems.
Fact: Ha. Yeah. Right.

Myth: People with learning disabilities just don't think.

Fact: Have you ever been inside my head? I can't shut the darn thing off! Please let me know if you find the off switch so I can catch a break!

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I'm “anti-gay.”

Fact: Based on my intepretation of Scripture, I cannot accept same-sex attraction as “natural” and therefore do not identify as a “GLBT ally”. However, if your definition of “anti-gay” is turning all Westboro Baptist Church on people who are GLBT, I am not anti-gay, and I most certainly do not condone hate crimes of any kind. I have lost a lot of Christian friends and received some horribly vicious emails due to this radical notion that we are all human beings, and that none of us are a be-all, end-all authority on something as complicated as sexuality.

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I want all my beliefs to be enforced by the state and national government.

Fact: I've never thought that, and I think it even less so after watching “Persepolis.”

What about you? What are some misconceptions you battle with?

Stupid Questions (With a shot of cynicism and a PSA)

I have a love-hate relationship with the phrase “There is no such thing as a stupid question.” Most of the time, this phrase is said by well-meaning parents and teachers who want kids to feel like no question is off limits. That's a good thing, of course. But it overlooks the fact that some questions are, in fact, hilariously stupid.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not talking about asking honest questions in the interest of gathering information. Those questions are not stupid if you think before you ask. I'm talking about asking ridiculous questions that usually stem from false assumptions, questions that you can probably figure out the answer to if you think long enough. Most people who ask stupid questions are not stupid. That's what makes stupid questions so annoying. You're smarter than this, people!

Here are some stupid questions that either I or someone I know have been asked at one time or another:

Question #1: “How can you drive if you're hard of hearing?”

I should make it clear that this is not a stupid question when it's asked honestly and politely. It is, however, a very stupid question when it's asked in a panicked tone, and the person is thinking “Oh my gosh, I can't believe you are out in about driving in your condition without any kind of assistance!” sort of way. Logically, if I was unable to drive safely, I would not be doing it.

Question #2: “How could I have gotten pregnant? I used birth control!”

Um, yeah. There is a very simple answer to this question. One word: biology.

Question #3: “How does the baby breathe during a water birth?”

Obviously, the baby must grow a set of gills before birth and shed them immediately after.

Question #4: “Won't your hearing aids explode if you go through security scanners or metal detectors?”

Isn't that just the darnedest thing? These scanners process computers, phones, and medical devices every day without incident, yet somehow hearing aids are just too much. So my hearing aids prevent me from shopping, going to the library, traveling, or having any kind of life. Sad day!

Question #5: “When are you going to have kids?”

I've reached that point in my marriage where people think it's time to start asking me this question, as if their asking will make me magically have kids. (It also doesn't help that just about everyone and their grandmother is having babies right and left these days, but that's a whooole other discussion.) I really wish I had enough chutzpah to ask these people when they are planning on retiring or dying. Their reaction would be priceless.

Question #6: “Why do you care if I use the word 'retarded' ?”

Okay, so this one isn't hilarious like the others.  In fact, it's pretty serious.  I care about this because under these occasional bouts of cynicism, I am a decent, caring, compassionate human being who knows that the words we use matter, and you are using that word to slander the mental capacity of people with intellectual disabilities. I would care if someone slandered you, and I care when you slander other people.

(Here's the PSA I mentioned: Words mean things. Ditch the word “retarded.”)

Things That Are Currently Irritating The Snot Out Of Me

Sometimes I have genuinely thoughtful insights to share with you all.

This is most certainly not one of those times.  Heck, if you spent half a weekend trying to keep chronic health issues from taking you out, you wouldn't have much in the way of insight either.  There's something about flare-ups that turns the thoughtful part of your brain off and clicks the cynical part into high gear.  I'm sure they'll medically prove it one of these days.

Anyway, since the cynical part of my brain is in full swing, here's my half-joking, half-serious list of things that are currently driving me up a wall:

1.) Slang terms like “selfie” and “adorbs.” Seriously, what is up with these pseudo-words? Have we gotten so lazy that we don't have time to use actual words?  If you know me in person, please don't use those words.  I promise it won't end well.  And no, that's not a threat.  It's a prediction of how I'm going to respond :P.

2.) When intelligent people act stupid because they think it makes them cool or culturally relevant. This is a biggie. Just stop acting stupid if you're not actually stupid. Anyone you're impressing is probably someone you shouldn't be trying to impress.

3.) Cat hair that floats around my apartment instead of staying attached to my cat where it belongs.

4.) Running out of the yummy crackers while we're frozen in. (Yes, I am almost 26 and love eating peanut butter on crackers. Deal with it.)

5.) Being frozen in.  For the first time since 1997, the Minnesnowta governor called for a state-wide school closing for tomorrow.  My husband is getting a frozen day from his job as a bus driver.  Don't get me wrong, it'll be nice to have him here, and he's thrilled to have a three-day weekend, but it's officially colder here than on Mars. This is disturbing. 

 

Progression of My Views on Technology

Unlike the generations that will follow me, I have memories of life before the technological revolution.  Generally speaking, I hate change, and therefore I was pretty resistant to most of the technological milestones I've seen.  Here is a timeline of my oh so positive responses to each milestone, and how I eventually responded.

"Why would anyone put a computer game on a CD?"  (1995, age 7.  Just a few short years later, I had a whole collection of games.)

"Who needs the internet?  Why would two computers need to talk to each other?" At age 8. (I now run my own online Etsy shop.)  

"Why would anyone use a 'car phone'?" Around age 8-9, back before they were called cell phones.  (I've had my own cell phone since I was 16.)

"What's the point of digital photography?" Around age 14.  (Now I take digital pictures all the time, and haven't ordered any prints since my husband and I ordered wedding photos.)

"Text messaging is so stupid!"  At age 16, after getting my first cell phone.  (Now that my hearing and speech perception are going down the crapper, I text way more than I talk.)

"Who needs an Ipod touch?"  Me at 18-19.  (Registered for one as a wedding gift just 4 years later.)

"Iphones are the most pointless things ever!"  (Irritated at having the Ipod separate from my phone, and having to always carry both devices everywhere, I will be getting my first Iphone when I upgrade my phone in a few months.)

I also used to balk at the idea of using any type of electronic calendar, but now I use the one on the Ipod constantly and look forward to experimenting with other apps once i have my Iphone.  

Yay for technological progress! :)

Hell Hath No Fury

I'm sure you're all familiar with Shakespeare's famous quote, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."  Lately I've been rather irritated with different aspects of everyday life.  Not seriously irritated, but irritated enough to want to get it out of the system.  I thought it would be funny to express all this in statements that start with "hell hath no fury..."  So here goes:

Hell hath no fury like a woman who wishes her cat would actually do something about all these darn flies.  Hell hath no fury like a woman with a flyswatter.

Hell hath no fury like a twentysomething who is sick to death of wearing her night retainer.  Hell hath no fury like a woman who is sick of discussing the possibility of future braces with her dentist.  (After all, orthodontia is for teenagers, and the last thing I need is something to make me look younger than I already do.)

Hell hath no fury like the woman who somehow managed to bonk herself in the nose.

Okay, I think that's about all I've got.  It's late.  Feel free to add your own endings to "hell hath no fury" in the comment section if you're so inclined! G'nite, everyone!

 

Things That Weird Me Out

1. Bow-tie pasta. Why would pasta need to don formal wear before it gets digested?

2. Pregnancy websites and books that compare the baby to fruits at various stages of development. I get that you have to compare it to something because you want a mental picture of the bundle of joy that is borrowing your body for 9 months. I get that the image of different kinds of fruit is pretty vivid right off the bat. But for some reason, I don’t understand this whole idea of comparing the baby to fruit. Maybe it’s one of those things you have to be pregnant to understand. But right now, I’m not pregnant and I think it’s weird. So it’s on the list.

3. When I see the following warning on a jar of peanut butter: “Allergy warning: contains nuts.” I don’t even know how to respond to this one.

4. Jellyfish. They don’t look like fish. They don’t even really look like jelly. I don’t think they are even scientifically in the fish category.

Why Having Cats is Like Raising Toddlers

I came up with a list of reasons why having cats is like raising toddlers.  Here it is:

1.)  They hate being bathed and groomed.

2.)  They want whatever it is they want RIGHT NOW.

3.)  If there’s more than one, sharing is often a struggle.

4.)  Every now and then, you have to drop everything and clean up whatever they’ve gotten into this time.

5.)  They’re more interested in stuff that’s best left alone than in their own toys.

6.)  They can play the same game 50 times in a row and not get tired of it.

 

Chutzpah

I've been writing about some heavier stuff, so I need to write a fluffy post that doesn't really have much to do with anything.  

I just wanted to inform you all that my new favorite word is "chutzpah."  Isn't that the best word EVER?!  It's Hebrew, and it means courage, strength, guts, etc.  Here, I'll use it in a sentence: Cats and toddlers usually have more chutzpah than they know what to do with.

I wish I had more chutzpah.  I am chock-full of stubbornness, but a friend wisely pointed out that that's not exactly the same thing :p.

So yeah, I just wanted to babble about my new favorite word.  Have a good weekend, everyone!

Contact Lenses: A Month(Ish) In Review

 I recently got contacts after wearing glasses full-time for 15 years.  I waited until adulthood to get contacts for a number of reasons.  I’m glad I did, even if it may not be the conventional way to go, because it forced me to actually think about WHY I wanted them and why our culture idolizes them at times. 

Here are the things I love about having contacts:

1.)  Convenience.  I need vision correction for reading as well as distance, and cannot control my eye movements enough to use bi-focals.  It’s really nice to be able to just throw on a pair of reading glasses and take them off and still see clearly, instead of switching between my distance and reading glasses all the time.

2.)  Being able to see at the pool.  My vision issues are profound, so I feel very unsafe walking without my glasses for any length of time.  Frankly, I don’t care that wearing contacts in the water is “not advisable”, according to my eye doc.  I haven’t lost a lens yet, and if her vision was as bad as mine, she’d understand my excitement at being able to see at the pool.

3.)  Being able to wear “regular” sunglasses.  Thanks to the inventions of fitover sunglasses and transition lenses, protecting your eyes with glasses has gotten a lot simpler and more convenient.  But looking at the rack of sunglasses at the dollar store and knowing I could finally wear any pair I wanted was freakishly exciting, haha!

Alright, now for the things I’m not so thrilled about:

1.)  The cost.  No matter what kind of lenses you choose, or where youyou’re your lenses, wearing contacts is always more expensive than wearing a pair of glasses.  The lenses themselves don’t come cheap, especially for specialty lenses like ones for astigmatism.  Lens solution is an ongoing expense, regardless of whether you buy your solution or make it yourself, because you still have to pay for the supplies to make it.  Part of the reason I put off getting contacts as long as I did was I couldn’t have afforded these expenses. 

2.)  The way our culture idolizes contact lenses.  I can’t tell you how much judgment I’ve received for wearing glasses.  The sad thing is, all the nasty comments I’ve gotten were not during my childhood.  No one really cared about my glasses, believe it or not.  But in my teens and during adulthood, people have let me know just what they think of an adult wearing glasses full-time.  Yes, I like my contacts, and yes, I like how I look with them.  But our obsession with looks is stupid and immoral.  There may be a perfectly good reason NOT to wear contacts, such as cost, or being too visually impaired to put them in safely.  What about in parts of the world that are less developed in the US, where glasses or corrective surgery would be better options?  I refuse to get to the point of taking my contact lenses for granted, or forgetting my true motives for wearing them.  I will “fast” from them for however long I need to if I feel like I’m getting to that point.  Feel free to call me crazy, but I actually care about WHY we do the things we do.

3.)  The challenge for people with astigmatism.  What I didn’t know until I tried to get contacts is that there are varying degrees of astigmatism.  I just thought astigmatism was astigmatism, and if someone else who had it could wear contacts, there should be no reason I couldn’t.  My eye doc explained that with “normal” astigmatism, the eyeball is curved slightly.  I do not have “normal” astigmatism.  I have it so profoundly that my eyes are shaped like footballs.  We had to try three different brands of lenses before we found one that will sit properly on my eyes.  In recent years, I’ve been having farsightedness as well as the nearsightedness I’ve had forever.  It’s so severe that if it gets any worse, I may have to give up on contacts or opt for eye surgery. 

What I wish people had told me about wearing contacts:

1.)    Rinse them THOROUGHLY when you open new ones.  They will most likely be sitting in enzyme cleaner, not saline.  That hurts like all get-out if you get it in your eyes.  I’ve learned that one the hard way, unfortunately.

2.)    Your eyes will look like something out of a horror movie while you are first learning to put your contacts in.  This is simply because you are touching your eyes more than usual.  It goes away as you become able to put in your lenses without touching your eyes much, but it’s a bit unsettling while it lasts. 

3.)    If you have been wearing glasses full time, looking at your naked face will freak you out.  I kept wanting to grab objects to hide behind like Wilson on “Home Improvement.”  I looked very different to myself, and it was weird.  I got over it after a couple weeks.

Smack-Your-Forehead Moments

When I was a kid, I firmly believed that grown-ups never did anything stupid.  Where I got that idea, I don't know.  This post would be more aptly named, "Confessions of a stupid grown-up."  

I am downright AMAZED at some of the smack-your-forehead stupid things I've done during my adult years.  I've used the phrase "because I said so!" countless times when working in the church nursery, after I swore to myself I would never use the phrase "because I said so!"  I've made some other mistakes that weren't quite as comical as that one.

Sometimes I get so stubborn that the only thing distinguishing me from a three-year-old is my size.  A few weeks ago i was driving home and I felt a low coming on.  I have mastered the art of opening the outer pocket on my purse and getting the glucose tabs while driving, but that only goes so far when you've forgotten to fill up the tube and fill your purse with snacks.  (Smack-your-forehead moment #1: Leaving home without glucose tabs and LOADS of snacks when you know FULL WELL that you go low at the drop of a hat.)  There was any number of places I could have stopped to get food, but my stupid pride got in the way of considering that option.  (That would've been smack-your-forehead moment #2, since driving with low blood sugar is about as safe is driving drunk.)  I reasoned that I should be able to drive non-stop for 20 minutes as well as the next person.  I managed to get home, crawl across my apartment to the kitchen, and get the chocolate out of the fridge just in time to avoid passing out on the kitchen floor.  I recovered pretty quickly, but I felt like I'd run a marathon and I decided I would never be that stupid again.

Thankfully, I learned from the blood sugar blunder and I am much more cautious about preventing lows on the go.  Unfortunately, that hasn't made me immune to having other smack-your-forehead moments.

Today I was getting coffee with a friend.  My coffee was ring-of-fire hot.  I tried to cool it down by stirring it a bunch, but that didn't work. (Smack-your-forehead moment #3:  I decided to just take little sips.)  I was running on about five hours of sleep, so I wasn't quite all there upstairs.  If I was, I would have some up with some sort of ridiculously simple solution like, oh I don't know, getting a few ice cubes or putting a splash of ice water in the coffee.  But no, I had to keep sipping on this bonkers hot coffee.  I was too smack-your-forehead stupid to predict what was going to happen next.  And now the roof of my mouth is covered in blistering burns, and for the rest of the day, the only things i could put in my mouth without wanting to scream were ice water and yogurt.  

I'll never do that again, but by now I know better than to say I'll never do stupid things again.  I'm not a parent, and i'm definitely not a parenting expert, but I think we do kids a great disservice when we give them the impression of having it all together and never messing up.