Message for Other Divorce Kids

 As you can see by some of my previous posts, I’ve been coming out of the divorce kid closet.  Out of respect for my family, I’m not going to go into too much detail about my particular situation on here.  If you’re a DK and would like to connect with me elsewhere online, I’d be more than happy to do so :).  I’m hoping that this post will provide some encouragement for my fellow Christian DKs, as well as provide an opportunity for DKs to connect with each other online.

In a nutshell, here is what I would love to say to all of you:

1.)  God loves you!  I can’t emphasize this enough.  No matter what your family situation is like, whether you are a Christian or not, no matter how many “Christians” have given you flak for your parents’ divorce, God loves you.  God is not the people who have hurt you.  God loves you unconditionally. 

2.)  Take care of yourself.  Whether your parents have gotten divorced recently or they’ve been divorced for years, it’s going to affect you.  Don’t let anyone tell you differently.  You are going to deal with things that people without divorced parents don’t have to deal with.  It’s unfortunate, but it’s true, and I’d be doing you all a huge disservice if I wasn’t honest about this.  Do what you need to do to maintain your emotional well-being. If you need to see a therapist, receive prayer, keep a journal, take a job with fewer hours, whatever you need, please don’t be afraid to go for it.  You will be so much happier and healthier in the long run.

3.)  Build a support network.  I know this is easier said than done, because we live our lives surrounded by people who don’t “get” what it’s like to be a DK.  But we need people in our lives who will listen to us without passing judgment.  My support network still isn’t as big as I would like, but it’s a work in progress, and it’s a huge help. 

4.)  Work toward forgiveness.  Forgiveness is absolutely crucial.  If you want to experience true freedom and joy in this life, you need to forgive.  You need to forgive your parents and anyone who has mistreated you for being a DK.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting the other person off the hook.  It means letting go of their throat and believing God when He says He will take care of it.  It also doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries if a situation warrants it.  If someone is constantly saying or doing hurtful things and they won’t repent, you have every right to put some parameters in place to keep them from hurting you and protect the freedom you are working to achieve.

5.)  Seek out other divorce kids.  Like I said, we experience life differently from other believers and from people who do not have divorced parents.  We need each other.  For your own sake and for the sake of your fellow DK’s, please come out of the divorce kid closet.  Being a Christian is tough. So is being a divorce kid.  Put them both together and it’s a very narrow path to walk.  Let’s walk together. 

DK’s of any religious affiliation/belief system are welcome to join the discussion!  I just ask that everyone be considerate and respectful with your comments.

I really hope this post will come to serve as a springboard for more discussion and connection amongst DK’s.  Again, if you would rather swap war stories in private, that can be arranged.  Just leave a comment letting me know that’s what you’d like to do, and we’ll go from there :).

What I Want Pastors and Church Leaders to Know about Divorce Kids

This is the next installment in what I hope will become a series of posts on divorce and divorce kids.  Personally, I think all of this information is good for everyone, regardless of their role in the church.  But this post contains the bullet points that are especially important for pastors and church leaders.

1.)  We exist.  There is no such thing as a church that doesn’t have any divorce kids.  If you think your church doesn’t have any, it’s because people are ashamed to admit it.  With divorce rates being what they are, it’s next to impossible to have a church that doesn’t have any DK’s.

2.)  We need a voice, and a safe place to use it.  The church was not designed to be a fortress designed to keep sin out.  It was designed to function as a spiritual hospital for sinners.  The church has, thankfully, become a place where more and more people are able to safely open up about addictions and other issues.  For the most part, the church continues to be a dangerous place for divorcees and DK’s to share their stories and their struggles.  This needs to change.

3.)  We value Scripture and the sanctity of marriage as much as you do, even if our interpretations of Scripture aren’t identical to yours.  One of the most common misconceptions that church leaders have had about me as a DK is that I throw the Bible’s teachings on divorce out the window.  This couldn’t be any further from the truth.  When I say that my experience as a DK has changed my interpretation of Scripture, the response should not be to question my salvation, call me a heretic, or accuse me of Gnosticism.  The correct response would be to ask me for my views on this subject before jumping to such ridiculous and inappropriate conclusions. 

My next post on this subject will be for adult DK's in the church.  I will try to get that up hopefully by the end of next week, but I'm juggling a lot of other responsibilities right now.

Confessions of a Divorce Kid

 It goes without saying that divorce is an iffy topic in the church today.  Christians who are not divorced are quick to past judgment on those who are divorced.  That in itself is bad enough, but what’s even more pathetic is the treatment I’ve received from some Christians because I am a divorce kid.  As someone who has been a DK for about 17 years and a Christian for 9 years, I’ve got a lot to say on this subject. I’ve boiled it down to a few bullet points.  Here goes:

1.)  Telling me that “God hates divorce” or that you “don’t believe in divorce” is a surefire way to stay off my A-list. If you are not a divorce kid, you have about as much authority on this subject as I would on being a Holocaust survivor.  And yes, God does hate divorce.  He also hates every other sin.  So put down your stones.

2.)  Blended families exist.  Deal with it.  The church has this really annoying habit of overlooking people who don’t come from “traditional” families.  Regardless of your views on gay marriage and family preservation, non-traditional families are a part of reality.  I should not have to explain to adults that I have both biological and step-parents.  Adults should also know better than to ask me if I have “real” parents, or “why don’t I have real parents.”  Sometimes I just want to say “Poke them!  They’re real!”  The fact that I have to ask adults to please use the term “biological parents” and “step-parents” is just sad.

3.)  My parents’ divorce has significantly impacted my life, but it hasn’t destroyed it.  It’s a complete myth that divorce has no impact on children.  It will affect them in ways they won’t completely understand until they hit adulthood. Kids don’t fully understand all the ramifications of divorce. If you’re reading this and you’re a divorced parent, this is especially important for you to keep in mind.  However, it’s very important that you don’t send a DK the message that their life and their future relationships are done for because of their parents’ divorce. 

4.)  The church has, for the most part, failed to be a safe place for DK’s to ask questions and receive support.  I’ve always been more comfortable talking about my parents’ divorce with people who describe themselves as non-Christians or not religiously affiliated.  I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case for other Christian DK’s as well.  I wish the church was more supportive, but apparently casting stones is more fun than being supportive and admitting that people are complex and imperfect.

I don’t think the church’s treatment of divorcees and DK’s is just about divorce.  This is just a symptom of the fact that we have turned into a fake church where it’s not okay to be human. I found this article on Sojourners, and I couldn’t have said it better myself!