List of Battles

If there's one thing humans are good at, it's believing things that aren't true. I could go on and on about how the internet has enabled the perpetuation of BS to reach disturbing heights. But that's a different post for a different day.

Today I'm going to address the misconceptions that I battle just about every day of my life. I'm an odd duck, I admit it. I cover my head. I juggle numerous physical and mental health issues. I'm wired differently and have some places in my brain that just don't “click” like everyone else's. That combination of stuff leads to a lot of misconceptions.

Here are just a few of the misconceptions people have had about me. Yes, people are really this ridiculous:

Myth: I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD because G-d wanted to punish me
Fact: I struggle with all of the above because genetics and environment can suck, and because people have the unfortunate capacity to make choices that screw up other people for life

Myth: Since I cover my head, I must be rigid about gender roles
Fact: yeah, no. Not really. Quite the opposite, actually. (There are so many misconceptions about head covering. I really need to do a separate post about this.)

Myth: Since I am white and have a middle class background, I don't have any problems.
Fact: Ha. Yeah. Right.

Myth: People with learning disabilities just don't think.

Fact: Have you ever been inside my head? I can't shut the darn thing off! Please let me know if you find the off switch so I can catch a break!

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I'm “anti-gay.”

Fact: Based on my intepretation of Scripture, I cannot accept same-sex attraction as “natural” and therefore do not identify as a “GLBT ally”. However, if your definition of “anti-gay” is turning all Westboro Baptist Church on people who are GLBT, I am not anti-gay, and I most certainly do not condone hate crimes of any kind. I have lost a lot of Christian friends and received some horribly vicious emails due to this radical notion that we are all human beings, and that none of us are a be-all, end-all authority on something as complicated as sexuality.

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I want all my beliefs to be enforced by the state and national government.

Fact: I've never thought that, and I think it even less so after watching “Persepolis.”

What about you? What are some misconceptions you battle with?

My Two Cents On "A New Normal"

Ever since I came out of the PTSD closet here on the blog, I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject.  I wanted to find a book or article that I could recommend, especially for everyone who is unfamiliar with PTSD.  Today I found a wonderful article that really captures all the complexities of not only living with PTSD but loving people who live with it.

Every one of the bullet points in the article was SPOT ON, but there are a couple in particular that I would like to comment on:

"Trauma permanently changes us."
Whether you have PTSD yourself or you know someone who does, you have to understand that you've passed the point of no return.  People who are old enough to remember life before their trauma occurred often divide their life into two parts: one before and one after the incident took place.  There is no such thing as "acting like it never happened."  Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or smoking something.

"Presence is always better than distance."
I'm going to come out and say it:  The church has failed GLORIOUSLY in this area.  I need to write more about this at some point once I can find a balance between grace and brutal honesty.  (Right now I'm feeling much more brutal than gracious.)  I can't tell you how many "Christians" have slammed the metaphorical door in my face upon learning that I didn't come from a squeaky clean background.  Whether or not you have a frame of reference for what I went through is, frankly, irrelevant.  You don't need to understand to be emotionally present.  

"Do NOT offer platitudes or comparisons.  Do not, do not, DO NOT."
In case you haven't noticed, this one is a bit on the important side.  Not that my other comments weren't important, but this is probably the most important one.  Unless you have been through the SAME THING, you most certainly do NOT know "how I feel" or what I "should" do to "get over it."  And using the words "get over it" is pretty much a big neon sign that says "I don't know crap about what I'm talking about."  Anyone who understands trauma knows there is no "getting over it".  There is one, and ONLY one appropriate response, and that is, "I'm so sorry this happened to you."  

"Allow those who are suffering to tell their own stories."
I'm going to point my finger at the church again.  While there are certainly times and places to share these stories, it's easy to use any excuse in the book to keep an uncomfortable story from being told.  Sometimes when people try to share what's happened to them, they are accused of being disrespectful or thoughtless.  I've seen this happen especially in the context of women trying to be open about having backgrounds of sexual abuse.  I've heard "Christian" men say that since that is a women's issue, they should not be bothered with it.  Obviously these men have not read the story of Jesus healing the woman with the female plumbing problems.  Jesus did not gloss over uncomfortable things, and we shouldn't either.  

Okay, so this post is a bit rougher around the edges than some of the others.  But frankly, I'm not too concerned.  I had a lot of important, honest things to say.  There's a line between being polite and being fakey nice.  When it comes to important subjects, I'm really sick of flirting with that line.  I'd rather be harsh than look or sound like I just came off the set of "The Stepford Wives." 

The Essence of PTSD In A Piece of Music

Right now, I'm in a place where I'm writing a lot but it's not stuff I would ever want to share on this blog.  Frankly, life tough going right now, in just about every sense.  Happens to all of us.  I'm not saying it'll be like this forever, but I'm also not going to pretend it's a bed of roses right now.

I stumbled upon this piece and I want to share it with you because I have never found anything that embodies the emotional component of PTSD quite like this piece does. 

PTSD Coping 101, Part 2: Practical Coping Tips

Click here to read Part 1.

In the past couple years, I've discovered some tricks for coping with PTSD that have made life a little more bearable. Feel free to pick and choose what works for you.

1.) Know your triggers, and take reasonable measures to avoid them.

After developing a serious allergy to shellfish, I realized it's the perfect analogy for thinking about coping with PTSD. For whatever reason, my body cannot respond to shellfish “normally.” If I eat shellfish, my mouth will go numb and my lips will puff up like Chinese dessert biscuits. Since I know that is how I will react, I don't eat shellfish, or any food that might have come into contact with it.

The same rule applies to PTSD. Ask yourself what triggers flashbacks or anxiety attacks. Some triggers, like movies that remind you of the incident, can be avoided to some extent. This is a huge trigger for me. Before watching a new movie, I go on IMDB and take a look at the parental content advisory. Depending on the movie, I either won't watch it at all or I will skip the part I know will cause a trigger. Knowing it's coming is a huge help.

2.) If you can't avoid a trigger, make a plan and stick to it.

Triggers that can't be avoided can be a bit more challenging. Going to the eye doctor and the dentist are torture for me. But it's a part of life, and a part of taking charge of my overall preventative care. So I make every effort to get through those experiences as comfortably as possible. I request nitrous oxide (laughing gas) for EVERY dental appointment, even checkups. I bring my Ipod and listen to relaxing music. People with extremely incapacitating PTSD might opt for full sedation or anesthesia. But those options are not without their medical risks, not to mention astronomical costs, and I'm at the point where the nitrous oxide and my music are enough for routine exams and minor dental work.

Going to the eye doctor is tougher because obviously I have to be fully awake. It's never a fun experience, but it's more bearable if you have a good relationship with your eye doctor. Be specific about how they can help you get through it. I ask my eye doctor to move very slowly if she has to get close to my eyes or head, and to talk me through the whole thing. If you have trouble with sudden movements close to your head, don't even attempt the “air puff” test for glaucoma. Find an eye doctor who doesn't use it. When you call to make your appointment, double check that your clinic hasn't started using it. If they refuse to do one of the other less invasive (and more reliable) glaucoma tests, change clinics. I'm serious.

If you have PTSD, you've been through enough already.

3.) Know your physical/psychological signs of panic attacks and flashbacks and how to respond.

With my shellfish allergy, I know I have to pop the Benadryl when my mouth starts going numb. At that point I still have enough oxygen and mental capacity to get the Benadryl before it gets worse. It's the same with the PTSD. I have this odd sense of “impending doom” when I'm about to have a panic attack or flashback. I don't know how else to explain it. At that point, I am usually still “there” enough to know it's coming and to communicate what I need if someone is with me. Even if I can't spit out a sentence, I usually get a few words out and throw in a gesture or two if I act fast enough.

4.) Ditch people who won't even try to understand the situation. Surround yourself with people who get it. Don't be afraid to tell them what you need.

If you have PTSD, you have lived through hell on earth. You need to do yourself a huge favor and stop wasting time with people who just make you more miserable. People who do not have PTSD don't have a grid for it. You need to surround yourself with people who are brave enough to accept this. Just like I wouldn't waste my time with someone who makes fun of me for having to avoid shellfish, I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't try to understand why I have to check movie content ahead of time even though I'm an adult. I am so lucky to have a husband who is amazingly supportive. By now he's seen it all, and is pretty good at reading me and figuring out what I need even if I'm too far gone to speak.

These posts barely scratch the surface of what it's like to live with PTSD or love someone who lives with it. I will write more posts on the different facets of the subject as I'm emotionally able. Please bear with me if they wind up being few and far between. Hopefully this will be useful to someone somewhere!

PTSD Coping 101, Part 1: PTSD for Dummies

I've been living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for almost 15 years. For 9 of said 15 years, I had no idea that's what I have. I never wrote about it on my blog because it's not an easy subject, needless to say. I think I deluded myself into thinking that if I didn't talk about it, maybe it would somehow get a bit more compact, a bit easier to contend with. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Before I go on, let me be up front about the fact that I am never going to publicly share the details of what happened to cause my PTSD, so please don't ask. The situation is such that I simply cannot share publicly without a lot of relational consequences. People who know me in “real life” and know the situation understand where I'm coming from. For people who don't, please accept my sincere apologies for not being able to elaborate. You don't need my story to understand living with PTSD.

For anyone who is lucky enough to be unfamiliar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it's exactly what it sounds like: A stress response to a traumatic situation. Stimuli in the environment that are mundane to other people are triggers for us. A good analogy is allergies. What doesn't bother one person can make another person's throat close up. Someone who has been in combat might hit the ground when they hear a sound like a car backfiring, whereas someone who has not will simply be startled and keep going about their business.

PTSD was discovered during the later years of the Vietnam War, and is still extremely common amongst war veterans. Combat is not the only situation that can cause PTSD. Abuse (in any sense), accidents, living in war zones, illnesses, natural disasters, and similar incidents can all cause PTSD if not treated right away.

The hallmark of PTSD is having flashbacks. When someone is having a flashback, it's as if they are re-living the traumatic incident. It doesn't matter if it happened recently or 20 years ago. To a person with PTSD, when they have a flashback, the incident is happening again. Flashbacks usually go away on their own and decrease in frequency and severity as you get further into the recovery process. Some people have success in snapping themselves out of their flashbacks. I'll write more about this in another post.

While I'm on this subject, I want to give a short PSA: If you suspect that you might have PTSD, you need to make an appointment with your general practitioner PRONTO. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT go 9 years without coming out of the PTSD closet. The end results are not pretty. It will mess up your life to a much greater degree than if you address it as soon as you're aware of it. Unless your doctor practices integrative care, they will probably refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist.  I can tell you with absolute certainty that it will not get better until you deal with it.  

For people with PTSD, day-to-day life can be an uphill battle.  Living a fulfilling, active life is possible, now that I've accepted the fact that I live my life as a trauma survivor.  In Part 2, I'll share some of my practical tips for coping.