Ever since I came out of the PTSD closet here on the blog, I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject. I wanted to find a book or article that I could recommend, especially for everyone who is unfamiliar with PTSD. Today I found a wonderful article that really captures all the complexities of not only living with PTSD but loving people who live with it.
Every one of the bullet points in the article was SPOT ON, but there are a couple in particular that I would like to comment on:
"Trauma permanently changes us."
Whether you have PTSD yourself or you know someone who does, you have to understand that you've passed the point of no return. People who are old enough to remember life before their trauma occurred often divide their life into two parts: one before and one after the incident took place. There is no such thing as "acting like it never happened." Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or smoking something.
"Presence is always better than distance."
I'm going to come out and say it: The church has failed GLORIOUSLY in this area. I need to write more about this at some point once I can find a balance between grace and brutal honesty. (Right now I'm feeling much more brutal than gracious.) I can't tell you how many "Christians" have slammed the metaphorical door in my face upon learning that I didn't come from a squeaky clean background. Whether or not you have a frame of reference for what I went through is, frankly, irrelevant. You don't need to understand to be emotionally present.
"Do NOT offer platitudes or comparisons. Do not, do not, DO NOT."
In case you haven't noticed, this one is a bit on the important side. Not that my other comments weren't important, but this is probably the most important one. Unless you have been through the SAME THING, you most certainly do NOT know "how I feel" or what I "should" do to "get over it." And using the words "get over it" is pretty much a big neon sign that says "I don't know crap about what I'm talking about." Anyone who understands trauma knows there is no "getting over it". There is one, and ONLY one appropriate response, and that is, "I'm so sorry this happened to you."
"Allow those who are suffering to tell their own stories."
I'm going to point my finger at the church again. While there are certainly times and places to share these stories, it's easy to use any excuse in the book to keep an uncomfortable story from being told. Sometimes when people try to share what's happened to them, they are accused of being disrespectful or thoughtless. I've seen this happen especially in the context of women trying to be open about having backgrounds of sexual abuse. I've heard "Christian" men say that since that is a women's issue, they should not be bothered with it. Obviously these men have not read the story of Jesus healing the woman with the female plumbing problems. Jesus did not gloss over uncomfortable things, and we shouldn't either.
Okay, so this post is a bit rougher around the edges than some of the others. But frankly, I'm not too concerned. I had a lot of important, honest things to say. There's a line between being polite and being fakey nice. When it comes to important subjects, I'm really sick of flirting with that line. I'd rather be harsh than look or sound like I just came off the set of "The Stepford Wives."
