Why I'm Done Blogging Here

This is going to be my last post on My Sacred Pathway. From now on, I will be on my new blog on Wordpress.

I made the decision to quit blogging here for a few reasons. A big one is practicality. These days my interests are running in a few different directions, and I wanted to be able to create tabs for different subjects to keep things more organized. I am not as “tech-savvy” as some people, and I'm having an easier time navigating Wordpress than blogger.

Another reason for the change is I have undergone a lot of changes, personally and spiritually since I started this blog. I got to a point where I felt fenced in, as if I wasn't free to write about anything other than Christian spirituality, hearing loss, social justice, and the other topics I've written about on a regular basis. My views on all those things have changed so much, even in just the past year, and I need the freedom to step back and evaluate exactly what has changed and what that means going forward.

Lastly, I feel like I have held myself up to a ridiculous standard of having it all together, as if any portion of my life can be held up as an example of what an “ideal human” should look like. That is not fair to myself or anyone who reads my stuff. It's not authentic.

I want to thank you all for reading this blog and commenting on the entries and on Facebook. Comments are going to be disable now that I am no longer moderating this blog. I hope you will join me over at Wordpress!

Living With Both Eyes Open

I've mentioned several times on this blog that the past year and a half has been a rough season. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that there has been more pain in the last 18ish months than in the last ten years of my life. And those of you who know the more nitty-gritty details of my life know that that is really saying something.

Last summer I posted about leaving the conventional workforce and focusing on my Etsy shop. The hope was that my husband and I would be able to move out to a hobby farm this year when our lease is up, at which point I would have to be able to stay home full-time to keep everything running. Well, that depended on my husband breaking into the field of tech support and getting a better paying job. And while the job market for tech support is fairly decent in our neck of the woods, things still haven't been exactly happening on our timetable.

This led to a lot of frustration as well as a depression and anorexia relapse. I didn't talk much about it at the time, but this past fall was really tough. I was performing in my church's production of “It's A Wonderful Life: The Musical” but in all honesty, I didn't feel like I had a wonderful life.

Sometime around Christmas, I realized that I needed to make some changes, both in my attitude and my home environment. Since there is the very real possibility of living in my current apartment for at least another year or two, I needed to make it feel like more of a home. Since we're not allowed to paint the walls, this meant decorating. I got out my old books and handouts from when I was in rehab for the eating disorder and got my diet back on track. I also made the decision to go back into childcare on an extremely part-time basis, both to generate a little more income and to give myself a reason to actually get out of the house.

I've been trying to figure out how to explain where my mind is at right now. The only analogy I can come up with is having eyesight restored via surgery after being blind since birth. Being able to see would be awesome, but think about what an adjustment that would be. You'd have to learn when to turn lights on and off. You'd have to remember to bring sunglasses. You'd have to learn how to drive and maintain a car and heck, even filling it up would be a learning curve. You'd have to learn how to read print. If you hadn't been able to see color, you'd have that to get used to. It would cause serious changes in your life. It would be equal parts awesome and terrifying.

That's where I'm at. I'm so glad I'm back in recovery mode, but at the same time, the sheer magnitude of food choices and the world outside my apartment is a huge shock. I'll get used to the “new normal”, but it won't happen overnight.

Love/Hate Update 11/23

Things are still rough going, for a lot of reasons I'm still not comfortable sharing.  But for some reason, I still want to try to keep blogging with some sort of regularity, so here's another love/hate update.

Love:
-all the wonderful people I get to work with in my church's Christmas play, "It's a Wonderful Life: The Musical".  It's been tiring, but fun.  I'm in the chorus and loving it.  If you're going to be in MinneSNOWta for the holidays, you should come see it! 

-the relief that comes from working through hefty crap that's had a hold on me for years

-having a healthy marriage where working through things trumps fear of getting divorced

-cats.  They make life more bearable.  The last known case of someone being crabby while a cat purred at them was never.

-growing closer with my wonderful sister as we get older.  Also loving the fact that she'll be in town for BOTH major holidays this year!

-"Monty Python's Flying Circus".  The hubby and I are getting hooked on it.  It's a bit crude at times, (ok, sometimes a lot crude), but it's hilarious.  We've been making up our own versions of the lumberjack song. No, we're not weird or anything! :p


Hate:
-this past year.  It's had its good points, but it's also been full of pain, change, and loss.  Can we be done with this year, please?

-the fact that said pain, change, and loss is bringing old habits and strongholds out of the woodwork.

-the fact that my wonderful sister doesn't exactly live nearby

-spiritual constipation.  There's been a lot of it lately.

Between the play and the holidays coming up, I might hit a new low for posts.  In case that ends up happening, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season!  Take care!

Love/Hate Update 10/2/13

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been having a rough time of it emotionally and spiritually. Blogging is one of the first things to go whenever that happens. Here's an update on the past few weeks or so, using my Love/Hate format.

Love:

-Esther. We just hit the one-year anniversary of her forever home day. So grateful for this kitty! She is our resident pillow-warmer, therapy kitty, and pilates companion. If only she had even the slightest interest in being our resident fly hunter!

-Knitting. The Etsy shop is back up and running, and I love it! Still trying (read: struggling) to maintain a “work”/life balance. But it's a work in progress.

-My sister. Is coming. To town. NEXT WEEK! I am so BONKERS excited about this. Ever since she graduated from college and moved away and became a real grown-up and stuff, I don't get to see her much anymore.

Hate:

-How everyone, but especially Americans, put too much faith in the government. The government is like money. It's a tool that is very useful for some problems, but it can't solve EVERY problem

-being a Christian while having SERIOUS issues with westernized Christianity, as well as organized religion in general. I don't think I can adequately describe how difficult this is. Once I find the words, I will definitely be writing more about this.

It's official! I'm on Facebook!

After some work and a LOT of technological temper tantrums (I dare you to say that 3 times out loud), My Sacred Pathway finally has a Facebook page!  

I'll be back with more posts soon, but in the meantime, click here to check out the Facebook page! :)

Love/Hate Update for 8/27/13

Love:
 

-Making sun tea.  So far I’ve done green tea infused with spearmint.  Right now I’m working on a jar that’s infused with a cinnamon stick. 

-the new dustbuster.  Not to sound like a Stepford wife or something, but it really does help keep the apartment cleaner!

-my upcoming Hebrew Heritage class through Light of Menorah Ministries

Hate:

-the heat

-sharing my home with a warm, cuddly furball who does not understand the concept of limiting all physical contact to air hugs when it’s this hot

-the fact that most Christians don’t have the faintest idea that Jesus was an orthodox Jew, and that “Jesus” is not a Hebrew name  Running out of things to say to these people.  Or, more accurately, I’m running out of NICE things to say to these people.  (For the record, Jesus’ Hebrew name was Yeshua.  The English equivalent is Joshua.)

-feeling spiritually constipated.  Feeling like no matter what I do, someone out there will think it’s not enough, that I’m a horrible Christian for any number of reasons, blah blah blah

Love/Hate Update 8/12

Love:
-my wonderful kitty, Esther (even if we're having ongoing disputes over which one of us my pillow belongs to)
-having a stash of homemade pie crusts in the freezer
-moving at a slower pace on the weekends
-my new hearing aids

Hate:
-the church's treatment of divorcees and divorce kids
-the way the church idolizes extroverts
-sinus pressure
-the fact that fall is too close for comfort.  September is about three weeks away.  That's just wrong.
-feeling like something is fundamentally wrong with me for choosing a life and a career path that's not "normal" (more on this coming soon)

Oxygen Mask

I've been having a rough go of it these past few weeks, to put it mildly.  Between my grandmother's death in March, a nasty case of carpal tunnel, and a lot of other things I can't write about here, I'm completely burned out.  I've been promising my husband that I'll take a season of rest, and it's high time I stopped talking about it and actually did it.

Every part of my being is telling me not to do this.  It seems stupid and selfish to focus on myself with all the needs out there, especially when there are so many people who just won't step up even a little bit.  But I'm starting to realize it's a bit like the concept of oxygen masks on airplanes.  They always tell you to get your own mask in working order before helping other people with their masks.  I suppose anyone could say I don't deserve a season of rest.  I hate the word "deserve."  The word has gotten so misused and overused.  Who knows what anyone really deserves?  Maybe I don't deserve a season of rest.  But I sure as heck need one.  I've been breathing through a faulty oxygen mask for way too long.  I need to fix it before I suffocate.  

I'm not completely sure how long this season of rest is going to last, or what it's going to look like exactly.  There are a few things I'm sure about.  I need to take a "vacation" from the Etsy shop and treat the carpal tunnel.  It's gotten so bad I can hardly knit right now.  My tentative plan is to re-open the shop in August, but that might very well get pushed back a bit.  I'm definitely going to write and blog more, although the length of my blog entries might be a bit shorter until the CT is gone.  For me, writing is cathartic as opposed to stressful.  I also want to make more time to read for fun.  I really need to step back and do things I WANT to do, not just things I feel like I HAVE to do. 

(Side note: Please refrain from giving advice and suggestions for carpal tunnel treatment, however well-intentioned it may be.  I have a treatment plan lined up, with both natural and traditional methods, and I am going to stick with what I'm using.  A few people have asked me about the natural remedies I'm going to use.  I will write more about that once I've been using said remedies for awhile and can more accurately judge their effectiveness :) )

Love/Hate Update for 3/28/13

Love:  
-A weekend of great performances!  All Things New, the Easter show, is in full swing!  It's been a joy to work with such talented, wonderful people!

-Easter is this Sunday.  Next to Christmas, it's my favorite holiday.  I don't just celebrate the resurrection because I'm a "good Christian."  I celebrate it because I've lived it!

-it's finally warm enough to open the living room window.  I think Esther would live next to it if she could.

Hate:
-Food poisoning.  And stomach flu.  I got hit with one or the other this week.  I don't think I've ever been this sick.  I will turn into a food safety maniac after this, I can assure you!

I will be back next week with more entries in response to questions and comments I've been getting.  Have a great Easter, everyone!

Love/Hate Update for 3/17/13

It's been a rough couple of weeks, to be honest.  Between my grandmother's death, rehearsals for the passion play at church, and the other things I've mentioned, I'm pretty worn out.  But I'm also really feeling the need to stay connected with all of you.  So I'll give a quick love/hate update for now.  I'll write a longer entry as soon as time and energy allow.

Love:  the honor of participating in "All Things New", the full-length Easter musical that my church is doing this year.

Hate: how stressed everyone in the cast and crew has been as we tried to put all the puzzle pieces together during the full-cast rehearsals this past week.  I also hate having to do the crucifixion scene, with every fiber of my being.  There are no words to describe how much I hate having to yell "Crucify him!" or having to watch it.  Imagine having to watch your best friend being brutally murdered.  That analogy just barely scratches the surface of what I feel during that scene. 

Love: Dad's latest scan showed no signs of the cancer returning!

Hate: My grandmother passed away early in the morning, around 2am, on March 2nd.  Funeral was this past Friday.  I was very exhausted at the funeral. I hate that I came off as uncaring and insensitive.  Really hate that.

Love/Hate Update for 2/13/13

I know I have been beyond horrible in terms of blogging consistency.  I have been going through a lot, spiritually and otherwise, and I haven't been sure of what to share and what is best kept off the internet.  I have been having a lot of thoughts and honest questions on headcovering and other subjects.  I want to blog about all that as soon as I can get my thoughts together.  For now, I will do another love/hate update for the past couple weeks. 
 

Loves:

-a wonderful birthday date night with my husband!

-my dad has been done with chemo for over a month

-being able to stay connected with my sister via texting and the internet

-the birthday box I received from my sister today

Hates:

-feeling the unpopularity that comes with being Christian and anti-military and anti-violence, especially with the rising number of professing Christians who want to rush out and buy guns

-having lots of honest questions about spiritual matters and not knowing where to find the answers

-all the prejudice, misunderstanding, and animosity I receive from professing Christians because of my decision to cover my head.  I expect that from non-Christians, but I get it from Christians way more often.

Love-Hate Update for Oct. 12, 2012

 
I really want to write about what's happened this week, and as you'll see, I am really tired and don't feel up for writing anything too involved.  So I decided to try this Love-Hate format I've seen on a couple different blogs.

Loves and hates for this past week:

Love:
-selling a shawl on my Etsy website 
-falling asleep with a very cuddly Esther (our new cat) on my pillow just about every night
-an amazingly calm Tuesday morning with my wonderful group of toddlers.  Love seeing those kiddos every week!

Hate:
-Dad's low white blood cell count, which prevented him from receiving chemo this week
-insanely high fatigue level from what seems to be thyroid problems after enjoying the best health I've had in years
-Mom will need to have skin cancer removed.  This makes the 4th cancer diagnosis to hit my family in about 6 months.  Not really finding the words to express how much I hate this.

I guess that's about it for today.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!