Last
summer I posted about leaving the conventional workforce and focusing
on my Etsy shop. The hope was that my husband and I would be able to
move out to a hobby farm this year when our lease is up, at which
point I would have to be able to stay home full-time to keep
everything running. Well, that depended on my husband breaking into
the field of tech support and getting a better paying job. And while
the job market for tech support is fairly decent in our neck of the
woods, things still haven't been exactly happening on our timetable.
This
led to a lot of frustration as well as a depression and anorexia
relapse. I didn't talk much about it at the time, but this past fall
was really tough. I was performing in my church's production of
“It's A Wonderful Life: The Musical” but in all honesty, I didn't
feel like I had a wonderful life.
Sometime
around Christmas, I realized that I needed to make some changes, both
in my attitude and my home environment. Since there is the very real
possibility of living in my current apartment for at least another year or two, I needed to make it
feel like more of a home. Since we're not allowed to paint the
walls, this meant decorating. I got out my old books and handouts
from when I was in rehab for the eating disorder and got my diet back
on track. I also made the decision to go back into childcare on an
extremely part-time basis, both to generate a little more income and
to give myself a reason to actually get out of the house.
I've
been trying to figure out how to explain where my mind is at right
now. The only analogy I can come up with is having eyesight restored
via surgery after being blind since birth. Being able to see would
be awesome, but think about what an adjustment that would be. You'd
have to learn when to turn lights on and off. You'd have to remember
to bring sunglasses. You'd have to learn how to drive and maintain a
car and heck, even filling it up would be a learning curve. You'd
have to learn how to read print. If you hadn't been able to see
color, you'd have that to get used to. It would cause serious
changes in your life. It would be equal parts awesome and
terrifying.
That's
where I'm at. I'm so glad I'm back in recovery mode, but at the same
time, the sheer magnitude of food choices and the world outside my
apartment is a huge shock. I'll get used to the “new normal”,
but it won't happen overnight.
