By now, my little
balcony garden is thriving.
Everything looks, tastes, and smells terrific. Every morning, before breakfast, coffee, or my work, I’m out
there, watering and pruning. I
absolutely love being able to do this.
I love being physically strong enough to care for these beautiful
plants. I love knowing that I’ll
be strong enough to raise my own livestock down the road. There’s this indescribable sense of
peace and wholeness.
The word “wholeness” doesn’t really go far enough. “Connectedness” is a better word. I’m living in color now, fully
connected to these plants I’m raising and the food they produce.
I used to have extremely
disordered, disconnected eating patterns.
I’m staying away from the phrase “eating disorder,” not because it
offends me, but because I feel like it’s not an accurate description of what I
went through, of what countless people are still going through. The word “disconnected” is much more
like it. I was disconnected from
all the positive aspects of food.
Eating had become this compartmentalized part of my existence that I
resented.
When I started
outpatient rehab, I had a Body Mass Index of 16. (The healthy range for women in my age group is 18-24). My care team was concerned I was going to
drop dead from a heart attack, because my heart was under so much stress. My hair was coming out in such big
clumps that I actually had a few bald spots. I was so disconnected from everyone and everything.
Gradually things began
to improve. The facility where I
received treatment was phenomenal.
My heart got stronger. My
weight went up. I started learning
how to enjoy food again. The one
thing I wished this treatment center would’ve had was a huge vegetable garden
for the patients. A few well-intentioned people have told me I will probably
struggle with this for the rest of my life. I used to believe that. But now, after cultivating my garden, I respectfully
disagree. I’m not saying my
experience didn’t leave scars. I
will always have to take precautions to prevent osteoporosis and other health
problems that most people my age don’t have to worry about. But anorexia doesn’t have a hold on me
anymore. It lost its power when I
reconnected with food.
