Hearing Loss and Romantic Relationships

I just completed a survey on hearing loss and relationships, and I realized I have a few things to say about this, so I'm doing a blog post about it.

In one sense, dating relationships are no different than any other relationship. Just like with non-romantic relationships, you will get a lot further if you are honest about your needs and communicate them in a constructive way. Since communication is especially paramount for dating relationships, it's important to be honest about your communication needs with your significant other. And since technology is improving every day, wireless communication is getting a lot easier and more affordable for the deaf and hard of hearing population.

I have chatted with a lot of deaf and hard of hearing people about relationships (romantic or otherwise), and I've come to the following conclusion: Hearing loss does not cause relational conflict. It's a symptom that something deeper is wrong. When both parties have effective communication, hearing loss is an inconvenience at most. If your significant other is constantly being inconsiderate of your communication/accessibility needs, that's not a sign that they have problems with your hearing loss. That's a sign of selfishness, woundedness or any number of problems that have nothing to do with your hearing loss.

I know this sounds so simple, but honestly, I think it really IS that simple.

My Two Cents On "A New Normal"

Ever since I came out of the PTSD closet here on the blog, I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject.  I wanted to find a book or article that I could recommend, especially for everyone who is unfamiliar with PTSD.  Today I found a wonderful article that really captures all the complexities of not only living with PTSD but loving people who live with it.

Every one of the bullet points in the article was SPOT ON, but there are a couple in particular that I would like to comment on:

"Trauma permanently changes us."
Whether you have PTSD yourself or you know someone who does, you have to understand that you've passed the point of no return.  People who are old enough to remember life before their trauma occurred often divide their life into two parts: one before and one after the incident took place.  There is no such thing as "acting like it never happened."  Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or smoking something.

"Presence is always better than distance."
I'm going to come out and say it:  The church has failed GLORIOUSLY in this area.  I need to write more about this at some point once I can find a balance between grace and brutal honesty.  (Right now I'm feeling much more brutal than gracious.)  I can't tell you how many "Christians" have slammed the metaphorical door in my face upon learning that I didn't come from a squeaky clean background.  Whether or not you have a frame of reference for what I went through is, frankly, irrelevant.  You don't need to understand to be emotionally present.  

"Do NOT offer platitudes or comparisons.  Do not, do not, DO NOT."
In case you haven't noticed, this one is a bit on the important side.  Not that my other comments weren't important, but this is probably the most important one.  Unless you have been through the SAME THING, you most certainly do NOT know "how I feel" or what I "should" do to "get over it."  And using the words "get over it" is pretty much a big neon sign that says "I don't know crap about what I'm talking about."  Anyone who understands trauma knows there is no "getting over it".  There is one, and ONLY one appropriate response, and that is, "I'm so sorry this happened to you."  

"Allow those who are suffering to tell their own stories."
I'm going to point my finger at the church again.  While there are certainly times and places to share these stories, it's easy to use any excuse in the book to keep an uncomfortable story from being told.  Sometimes when people try to share what's happened to them, they are accused of being disrespectful or thoughtless.  I've seen this happen especially in the context of women trying to be open about having backgrounds of sexual abuse.  I've heard "Christian" men say that since that is a women's issue, they should not be bothered with it.  Obviously these men have not read the story of Jesus healing the woman with the female plumbing problems.  Jesus did not gloss over uncomfortable things, and we shouldn't either.  

Okay, so this post is a bit rougher around the edges than some of the others.  But frankly, I'm not too concerned.  I had a lot of important, honest things to say.  There's a line between being polite and being fakey nice.  When it comes to important subjects, I'm really sick of flirting with that line.  I'd rather be harsh than look or sound like I just came off the set of "The Stepford Wives." 

Can The Bible Become An Idol?

One of my Facebook friends asked a very interesting question: Can the Bible ever be an idol? The answers people gave were very well-thought out, with a wide variety of opinions. This is such an interesting and important question that I wanted to mull over it some more and share it on my blog.

My short answer to that question is yes, in my opinion, it absolutely can become an idol. My definition of an idol is something that brings you further away from G-d instead of closer to Him. Going by that definition, anything could be an idol, and that would include the Bible.

(I'm going to stop here and say that, while the subject of distorting Scripture to justify atrocities is certainly an important one, it's a different subject altogether so it's best saved for another day.)

How we handle our interpretations of the Bible says a lot about whether or not we are idolizing it. Someone who doesn't idolize the Bible has no fear of being “wrong” or of someone disagreeing with them. A person who is idolizing the Bible is terrified of being wrong. They'll say things like, “Drinking is wrong because the Bible says so,” and they won't leave any room for the other common interpretation of those verses that say it's getting drunk, not drinking, that's immoral. That is idolatry because it puts pride above connection with G-d and connection with other believers.

I would also say that our approaches to reading the Bible can also help determine whether or not we are idolizing it. While I wholeheartedly agree that most Christians don't read the Bible anywhere near as often as they should, our antennas should go up if someone tells us we “have” to read it in a certain way, for a certain length of time, and at a certain time of day. (Why no, this is not at all a direct reference to all those “experts” who say you must pray and read the Bible every morning like clockwork! :P) Imagine how life would be if we approached our relationships with our spouses and our friends that way! Our relationships with each other are not one size fits all, and our relationships with G-d are the same way.

I would love to hear what you all have to say on this subject! :)

Things That Are Currently Irritating The Snot Out Of Me

Sometimes I have genuinely thoughtful insights to share with you all.

This is most certainly not one of those times.  Heck, if you spent half a weekend trying to keep chronic health issues from taking you out, you wouldn't have much in the way of insight either.  There's something about flare-ups that turns the thoughtful part of your brain off and clicks the cynical part into high gear.  I'm sure they'll medically prove it one of these days.

Anyway, since the cynical part of my brain is in full swing, here's my half-joking, half-serious list of things that are currently driving me up a wall:

1.) Slang terms like “selfie” and “adorbs.” Seriously, what is up with these pseudo-words? Have we gotten so lazy that we don't have time to use actual words?  If you know me in person, please don't use those words.  I promise it won't end well.  And no, that's not a threat.  It's a prediction of how I'm going to respond :P.

2.) When intelligent people act stupid because they think it makes them cool or culturally relevant. This is a biggie. Just stop acting stupid if you're not actually stupid. Anyone you're impressing is probably someone you shouldn't be trying to impress.

3.) Cat hair that floats around my apartment instead of staying attached to my cat where it belongs.

4.) Running out of the yummy crackers while we're frozen in. (Yes, I am almost 26 and love eating peanut butter on crackers. Deal with it.)

5.) Being frozen in.  For the first time since 1997, the Minnesnowta governor called for a state-wide school closing for tomorrow.  My husband is getting a frozen day from his job as a bus driver.  Don't get me wrong, it'll be nice to have him here, and he's thrilled to have a three-day weekend, but it's officially colder here than on Mars. This is disturbing. 

 

Balance

There are no words to describe how much I hate the concept of “new year's resolutions.” Let's be honest. They're a load of bunk. They don't work. No one keeps them. They're like the self-help version of fad diets. That's why I was intrigued when I stumbled upon this OneWord365 challenge. It wasn't exactly rocket science trying to figure out which word to choose: balance. Everyone needs balance, but I need it like a diabetic needs insulin.

I've wrestled with so many strongholds. Anorexia and codependency are the top two contenders. These two addictions are the enemy of balance. Heck, any addiction is an enemy of balance. In the past several months, I've gone to significant lengths to try to achieve balance. I left the conventional workforce. I took a sabbatical from my Etsy shop last summer. I've got a pretty good understanding of what I need to do to achieve balance in my life, and I've been trying to do it for awhile. This year I need to continue in my quest for balance.

The issue of codependency impeding balance isn't discussed anywhere near as often as it should be. As I continue to heal, I hope to write more about this, because it's huge. That's why I'm creating a “healing” section of my blog. It's not going to be an easy subject by any means, but it's so important. If even one person reads this and starts pursuing balance and healing, that's more than enough for me.

Tips for Navigating Social Situations With Hearing Loss

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

I wanted to take a few minutes and write about that oh-so-lovely intersection of hearing loss and social situations. I've gained a lot of self-confidence in this area, especially over the past several months, and I know I'm not the only person who's struggled with it. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, here are the things that have made social situations a lot easier for me. (As is the case with everything I write about hearing loss and hearing aids, I have no authority on wearing a cochlear implant, so CI users will have to be the judge of whether or not this information is useful.)

1.) Make sure your hearing aids are good quality and correctly programmed, and make sure you wear them all the time. I can't emphasize this enough. When I got my first pair of aids about 4 and a half years ago, I only wore them when I went out of the house for fear of wasting the batteries. The end result of that was my brain didn't adjust to them as much as it could have, and I didn't hear as well as I could have. Wearing your hearing aids consistently will help you hear better in noisier situations like restaurants and parties.

2.) Wear hearing aids that have a background noise filter. These days, most hearing aids have at least one channel that filters out at least some background noise. Don't even try to get through noisy situations without it. If you aren't sure how to access that channel, talk with your audiologist.

3.) Be discerning about when to advocate for yourself and when to avoid conflict. This has been a huge issue for me. I used to participate in a lot of Bible studies that were video-based with small group discussions, and it was always a toss-up whether the instructors would let my group meet in a quiet place or turn on the captions (or let me do it.) When I developed the habit of emailing instructors ahead of time to explain my situation, some of them told me right off the bat that they weren't going to accommodate my needs for one BS reason or another.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying we should never stick up for our needs or try to work things out. But I've wasted a lot of energy on selfish, stubborn people who just wouldn't budge. You have to know when it's worth fighting and when it's not. This is especially important if you have any kind of anxiety or mental health issues on top of hearing loss.

4.) Be up front in a matter-of-fact way. Depending on the situation, I might say something like, “I'm hard of hearing, so please face me when you talk. If I don't respond, I'm not ignoring you, I just didn't hear you.” My hearing loss does not affect my speech all that much, and my head scarves cover my hearing aids, so my hearing loss tends to go unnoticed by people unless I say something. I've wasted so much time being angry at other people and thinking it was their responsibility to make sure they could communicate with me. But they can't when I don't ask! Once I started communicating my needs in a constructive way, most people were more than happy to oblige.

5.) Try to be specific in asking for repetition. This shows the other person that you are genuinely trying to understand. Saying “What?” is rude and vague. “Could you repeat that?” Works when I've missed a sentence or two. But if I caught part of a sentence, the most effective way to ask for repetition is to repeat what I've heard, and pinpoint what I didn't. For example, “I'm sorry, you did what last Tuesday?”

6.) When playing board or card games, keep your communication needs in mind. With games making a comeback, it's important to think about how your hearing loss might affect things. If I'm going to be at a party or someplace with lots of background noise, I don't bother with games like Catch Phrase, where the whole game is based on verbal communication. I save those for quieter settings. I stick with games that involve little or no verbal communication. For games that involve minimal communication, like Set or BS, I'll sometimes come up with signs or gestures to use for those words. It's a handy tool even if you don't sign otherwise.

7.) Don't waste your time with people who don't “get it.” I kind of touched on this earlier, but it's important. Most people will “get it” if you tell them what you need in a constructive way. But this world is not a perfect place, and there will always be people who don't get it. You don't need them. You are a wonderful, ordinary, normal person who just happens to wear hearing aids. If someone else repeatedly does not try to understand that, that's their funeral.

I think that's about it! I'm going to be pretty busy until after the 1^st, so I'll talk with you all in 2014! Have a happy and safe new year!

Silence Is Golden. So Shut Up!

I'm really trying hard to not complain about things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter. But what happened today does not fit that description by any means. I am so hurt and horrified by what happened today. And I was even more horrified when some of you mentioned on Facebook that you'd had similar experiences.

I was at the Starbucks in a Barnes and Noble. As the cashier was ringing up my coffee, she asked if I wanted to purchase any gift cards. When I told her “no thanks”, she then asked if I wanted to purchase one of the books on the counter, explaining that the proceeds from those books went toward providing books for disadvantaged children. Had money allowed, I would have happily purchased ten of those books. But it just wasn't in the budget this time around, so I gave another polite “No, thanks.”

I have never experienced anything like what happened next. She asked me if I was serious, and how could I be so selfish. At the time I couldn't do anything other than pick up my coffee without saying a word and just walking over to an empty table. I was in too much shock and I had too much other stuff on my mind to really process it.

But now it's several hours after the fact, and I want to share what I wish I'd have been able to say to her:

“You met me five minutes ago. You don't know anything about me. You don't know that I've been to hell and back. You don't know all the choices I've made in my life. I've made some stupid ones, but I've also made some incredibly selfless ones. If I say I can't afford a book right now, you have no business calling me a liar. I have been in your life for exactly five minutes, if that. If you are a Christian, your behavior today is a stain on the honor of what it means to represent Christ. I suggest you reread the story about the widow and the copper coins.

Since you clearly had nothing nice to say, the nicest thing you could have done was shut up.”

And the thing that really pisses me off is, I can be plenty judgmental. So if someone is judgmental enough to make me look good, I don't know what that says about them. We really need to stop judging people. I'm saying this to myself as much as anyone else.

And if we slip up and judge someone, let's at least have the common sense not to let it come out of our mouths.