New Blog Category: Kiddo Quotes

I am doing childcare again, on an extremely part-time basis (more about this in a different post) and I decided that it's high time I created a blog category devoted to the freakin' hilarious things that kids say. These posts won't be all that structured or organized, and they'll usually be pretty short. I'll pop on and share a kiddo quote after it happens, or after I remember ones from awhile back.

Here are a couple from today:

(Background: I was working with 2-year-old E. on saying “no, thanks.”)

Me: E, please stop jumping on the couch and sit nicely.

E (in the most angelic tone you could imagine): No, thanks!”

E: I wanna read this book.

Me: Okay, let's put it in my lap so I can see the words.

E: No, I'll read this book and you read that one by yourself!

Apparently independent reading is starting younger and younger these days!

List of Battles

If there's one thing humans are good at, it's believing things that aren't true. I could go on and on about how the internet has enabled the perpetuation of BS to reach disturbing heights. But that's a different post for a different day.

Today I'm going to address the misconceptions that I battle just about every day of my life. I'm an odd duck, I admit it. I cover my head. I juggle numerous physical and mental health issues. I'm wired differently and have some places in my brain that just don't “click” like everyone else's. That combination of stuff leads to a lot of misconceptions.

Here are just a few of the misconceptions people have had about me. Yes, people are really this ridiculous:

Myth: I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD because G-d wanted to punish me
Fact: I struggle with all of the above because genetics and environment can suck, and because people have the unfortunate capacity to make choices that screw up other people for life

Myth: Since I cover my head, I must be rigid about gender roles
Fact: yeah, no. Not really. Quite the opposite, actually. (There are so many misconceptions about head covering. I really need to do a separate post about this.)

Myth: Since I am white and have a middle class background, I don't have any problems.
Fact: Ha. Yeah. Right.

Myth: People with learning disabilities just don't think.

Fact: Have you ever been inside my head? I can't shut the darn thing off! Please let me know if you find the off switch so I can catch a break!

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I'm “anti-gay.”

Fact: Based on my intepretation of Scripture, I cannot accept same-sex attraction as “natural” and therefore do not identify as a “GLBT ally”. However, if your definition of “anti-gay” is turning all Westboro Baptist Church on people who are GLBT, I am not anti-gay, and I most certainly do not condone hate crimes of any kind. I have lost a lot of Christian friends and received some horribly vicious emails due to this radical notion that we are all human beings, and that none of us are a be-all, end-all authority on something as complicated as sexuality.

Myth: Since I'm a Christian, I want all my beliefs to be enforced by the state and national government.

Fact: I've never thought that, and I think it even less so after watching “Persepolis.”

What about you? What are some misconceptions you battle with?

Stupid Questions (With a shot of cynicism and a PSA)

I have a love-hate relationship with the phrase “There is no such thing as a stupid question.” Most of the time, this phrase is said by well-meaning parents and teachers who want kids to feel like no question is off limits. That's a good thing, of course. But it overlooks the fact that some questions are, in fact, hilariously stupid.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not talking about asking honest questions in the interest of gathering information. Those questions are not stupid if you think before you ask. I'm talking about asking ridiculous questions that usually stem from false assumptions, questions that you can probably figure out the answer to if you think long enough. Most people who ask stupid questions are not stupid. That's what makes stupid questions so annoying. You're smarter than this, people!

Here are some stupid questions that either I or someone I know have been asked at one time or another:

Question #1: “How can you drive if you're hard of hearing?”

I should make it clear that this is not a stupid question when it's asked honestly and politely. It is, however, a very stupid question when it's asked in a panicked tone, and the person is thinking “Oh my gosh, I can't believe you are out in about driving in your condition without any kind of assistance!” sort of way. Logically, if I was unable to drive safely, I would not be doing it.

Question #2: “How could I have gotten pregnant? I used birth control!”

Um, yeah. There is a very simple answer to this question. One word: biology.

Question #3: “How does the baby breathe during a water birth?”

Obviously, the baby must grow a set of gills before birth and shed them immediately after.

Question #4: “Won't your hearing aids explode if you go through security scanners or metal detectors?”

Isn't that just the darnedest thing? These scanners process computers, phones, and medical devices every day without incident, yet somehow hearing aids are just too much. So my hearing aids prevent me from shopping, going to the library, traveling, or having any kind of life. Sad day!

Question #5: “When are you going to have kids?”

I've reached that point in my marriage where people think it's time to start asking me this question, as if their asking will make me magically have kids. (It also doesn't help that just about everyone and their grandmother is having babies right and left these days, but that's a whooole other discussion.) I really wish I had enough chutzpah to ask these people when they are planning on retiring or dying. Their reaction would be priceless.

Question #6: “Why do you care if I use the word 'retarded' ?”

Okay, so this one isn't hilarious like the others.  In fact, it's pretty serious.  I care about this because under these occasional bouts of cynicism, I am a decent, caring, compassionate human being who knows that the words we use matter, and you are using that word to slander the mental capacity of people with intellectual disabilities. I would care if someone slandered you, and I care when you slander other people.

(Here's the PSA I mentioned: Words mean things. Ditch the word “retarded.”)

On The Road With Hearing Loss

One of the questions I get asked the most about having hearing loss is, “How can you drive?” I got my license late, for a variety of reasons, none of which had anything to do with my hearing loss. But people still ask. For a long time, this question made me angry, because it seems like a stupid question to me. But I realized that it's not a stupid question for hearing people. So rather than get frustrated, I'm going to pipe down and actually answer the question.

The simple answer is, I drive just like anyone else. I did not get my license until after I became hard of hearing, so I don't know any different. I cannot hear sirens until they are right behind me, but I realized I developed the habit of frequently glancing in my rearview mirror, so I usually see them coming ahead of time. I stay in the right lane as much as possible so I can pull over quickly if I don't see it in advance, but that doesn't usually happen.

I listen to music just like anyone else. I can barely hear classical when I'm in my car, so I tend to gravitate toward other genres.

I keep a notepad in my car so I can have police officers write things down if I don't understand them. I also carry a hearing loss alert card in my wallet. I have yet to be pulled over, but if that ever happens, I will hand it to the police officer along with my license and registration. If you have hearing loss and get in an accident or get pulled over, it's very important for the cops to know that you are deaf or hard of hearing. They need to know that if you don't respond, it's because you can't hear them, not because you are intoxicated or injured. If you have recently developed hearing loss, I highly recommend getting a hearing loss alert card. Your local DMV or Department of Human Services should be able to tell you where to get one. If you have a cochlear implant, you should wear a medical alert bracelet or necklace stating that you cannot have an MRI, unless you know for a fact that your CI model is recent enough to be MRI-compatible.

So yeah, that's my two cents on hearing loss and driving!